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Heavy Thoughts - cellophane
the story of an invisible girl
renniekins
renniekins
Heavy Thoughts
I think that until I really come to believe it for myself, I will never actually believe somebody who tells me he thinks I'm beautiful. I keep hearing silent conditionals and modifiers inside my head.

I was thinking earlier this evening that it was just the person I was with, that maybe he didn't really believe what he'd just said. And I was thinking that I missed being with people who did believe that I am thin and beautiful, just the way I am. Then I realized that I didn't believe them either, when they would say it, not really. That's when I realized the problem is in me, and in my own self-image. Oh, I think I'm pretty, attractive, cute....but I also think I'm too heavy, and not beautiful. He says he doesn't think that. But I think he does. He probably does. He's pretty weight-obsessed himself. Regardless of what he thinks though, the fact that I think these things will overpower it.

Really I shouldn't fault him for thinking that, when I think it myself. But I don't want others to think it - naturally, I want to believe other people think I'm perfect just the way I am. Don't we all? Yet even if they say so, I'm unwilling to believe it! How terribly self-defeating.

Oy, I'm thinking in circles. But at least I exercised some tonight. Hopefully that will help me feel better about myself.

Current Mood: sad sad

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Comments
guingel From: guingel Date: December 23rd, 2001 04:10 am (UTC) (Link)
compliments are a problem. there's like, no way to tell if someone's sincere or not. And I'm like you, I usually don't believe them. Although it depends on the person, and I don't get compliments that often. I guess for me it has to be spontaneous. And I dunno. I know I'm like, plain, but I don't think about it too much. And sometimes I'll just look in the mirror and be really happy with how I look, but I'm still not beautiful or anything like that.

::thinks::
I guess it depends on the person. Some people I know wouldn't lie to me. But others, like my friend Keith or something, I never can believe anything he says.
mrdisco99 From: mrdisco99 Date: December 23rd, 2001 09:29 am (UTC) (Link)
Just because you don't think you're beautiful doesn't mean everyone else is lying when they say you are. It's all based on perception and we all have our own.

If you otherwise trust someone, then you should believe them when they compliment you, even if you don't believe it for yourself. They're only telling you how they feel about you, not necessarily how you should feel about yourself. Although, it should feel good to know that other people think nice things about you.

I dunno, I'm only speaking from a guy's perspective. Girls seem to put so much more pressure on themselves when it comes to attractiveness. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about...
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