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Last night started out good, then became kinda bad, but then turned… - cellophane
the story of an invisible girl
renniekins
renniekins
Last night started out good, then became kinda bad, but then turned good again. Funny how much things change in such a short span of time. I went to bed, with C reading Bridget Jones aloud, and we both were laughing; that book is so damn funny. Then C got sleepy, and we turned out the light. Now I had been sleepy earlier, but all of a sudden I couldn't sleep at all. Probably too much laughing woke me up, plus C always wants to be warmer than I do. So he was cold and wanted to cuddle, while I was too hot and uncomfortable.

Then he fell asleep, and I was all alone and awake. I lay there for awhile, but just wasn't comfy, wasn't tired, couldn't sleep. So I tried to squirm my way out of his arms to go downstairs. I hate lying in bed not sleeping, so if sleep seems elusive then I generally get up and do something else for awhile. Anyway, I woke him up accidentally, and he was peeved with me. I covered him up, gave him kisses, and tried to leave quietly.

Seemed to be working, but then all of a sudden he was getting up too, and crabby to boot. Oy. I kept telling him to go back to sleep, but he was all "I can't sleep without you here, and it's freezing up here." It was pretty cold, my house is always too cold in the bedroom, but that's why I have a fluffy down comforter.

So we go downstairs, he turns up the heat, and he goes into the kitchen, "Bridget made me hungry," and he's eating NutterButters. I offer him some milk to go with, and he asks me if I'd like him to heat up some milk for me to help me fall asleep. I say no, that sounds disgusting.

But he insists that warm milk helps with sleepiness, and with honey it's delicious, so he makes me some despite my reluctance. It turns out to be pretty good, and we both have some. Now he's turned into all sweetness and kindness, not crabby at all, and wants to stay up with me and take care of me. Yay, I'm not alone after all, somebody loves me enough to stay awake with me!

Then I decide that maybe I can't sleep because I'm all sore and achy, so I take some advil...and one of my last sleeping pills...surely one of those will do some good. We go onto the computer for awhile and send out an email to some friends because we're trying to arrange a movie for saturday. Finally I'm tired, practically falling asleep in the desk chair, and he takes me back upstairs and finally we both fall blissfully asleep.
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Comments
guingel From: guingel Date: November 9th, 2001 02:26 pm (UTC) (Link)

awww! that's so cute!! It's nice to have someone to go to sleep with, and to be with when you can't sleep ^_^ (not that I'd know, being 15 and a virgin. . .) but you know, I'm extrapolating.

I really need to try warm milk sometime.

speaking of which, I'm thirsty.
renniekins From: renniekins Date: November 12th, 2001 12:09 pm (UTC) (Link)
Actually, even when you are a virgin, sleeping with somebody you care for (I mean actually sleeping here) is a really nice, safe feeling, just cuddling together, you know? I did that long before I did more. And yes, when you can't sleep, having somebody to be with is a wonderful thing.
guingel From: guingel Date: November 12th, 2001 04:34 pm (UTC) (Link)
It's true, except that I don't have a boyfriend. . . and stuff. . . and there's really no one I care about that much. :-/ Ah well. I'll wait. ::sigh::
From: beautyofyouth Date: November 12th, 2001 08:08 am (UTC) (Link)

With C it's right, with R it's not

Ok so I'm starting to try and catch uo with your life *giggle* but finding it a little confusing. So you're going out with R AND C? Not judging, just trying to get it right!

You see, with C you sound content and happy to be in his arms (unless you're tired or achy hehe) and with R, you find it uncomfortable and you feel guilty when you are with him and not as willing to be affectionate as he is. I remember that when I was with Ed and just didn't feel romantically for him, it got to the point where kissing him actually made me feel a bit repulsed. This wasn't because he was a bad kisser or anything, it was just because I really really didn't want to be kissing him. So it got to the point where our relationship was based on him trying it on with me and me finding a million and one excuses not to let him. It had to end, and maybe it does with you and R as well.

My tip of the day: If you want to break up with someone who you really like as a friend then you need to do it this way: Tell him that you don't feel romantically for him and break up in the nicest possible way (NB - need to be cruel to be kind). To keep friendship without awkwardness or leftover romantic feelings, it's necessary to stay away from him for at least a month, 3 is preferable. After this time is up, contact them again and introduce the friendship slowly. This has worked for me many times and I have wonderful friends out of it.

Although the one I liked best isn't actually talking to me at the moment! So maybe you shouldn't follow my advice lol!
renniekins From: renniekins Date: November 12th, 2001 11:57 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: With C it's right, with R it's not

heehee, yes, my dating life is a little complicated right now; it's no wonder you're getting confused. Especially since I just jumped right in and started journaling without any kind of explanation or anything. (That was a useful thing you did with yours "introducing" yourself at the beginning. I've read parts of yours, plan on reading more eventually.) You're always welcome to ask questions, it's nice to see somebody's reading and interested in what I'm writing! *smile*

Yes, I'm dating both C and R right now. They're my "main" guys, although there are a few others who I'll occasionally go out with too. (All of them have been told this, so I'm not cheating on anybody at least.)

Two years ago, I lost my fiance (S), and in recovering from his death I've gotten a little chaotic in my relationships with men. Although I love dating, I don't want to stick with any single guy. Probably I will again one day, just not ready to yet; it's what works for me right now.

C is definitely my favorite. He's dating other girls too - we're both fairly messed up dating-wise, that's probably why we get along so well, haha! You're definitely right, and Dave too, about how I feel about R. He's a wonderful guy, so sweet, but it's just "not right" with him. I'm not physically attracted to him really, and that "spark" you described just isn't there, alas.

I like your suggestion. There's a lot of things I think I need to say to him. I think I'm going to try to write out what I want to say beforehand, maybe even bring it along, so I'll know I won't "soften" things or skip important parts. Just gotta decide when I'm brave enough to do it! He's going out of town this weekend, wants to get together thurs first. I was thinking that doing it right before he leaves town wouldn't be right. Then it occurred to me just now that I'll always be able to come up with some reason it's not the proper time, and maybe I should just stop making up excuses.
radiantsoul From: radiantsoul Date: November 12th, 2001 02:10 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: With C it's right, with R it's not

Interesting stuff.

Don't tell R that you aren't physically attracted to him whatever you do! That will destroy the poor boy. Perhaps you should just tell him you aren't really ready for a heavy, deep sort of relationship and you would like to go back to being friends? I think this is almost true - I wonder if you really want to be with C or if he is just an excuse to leave R. You do say you don't really want to be with any one guy. Seeing as you are honest with everyone this is pretty cool and he must be aware that as there are others it was always going to end.

I have to say your journal is interesting and very readable. A lot of the journals are virtually impossible to read, yours makes sense which is nice.

Finally condolences on the loss of your fiance.
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