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UPS: Under-Productive Substandard - cellophane
the story of an invisible girl
renniekins
renniekins
UPS: Under-Productive Substandard
Today I tried to bribe the UPS. Without success, unfortunately. I don't know why it didn't work -- it worked once before. Or maybe that was the USPS, or some other delivery service. I can't keep them straight. But a year or two ago I left a signed note with a bag of candy, and they took their candy and left me my package. Everyone came home happy. And this time I even used a chocolate bar as the bribe, not some silly bad of hard candies! How can they resist?

Yesterday they left a note on my door, saying that a package had to be signed for in person. Well I work during the day, and I'm the only one who lives here. I took the note, signed it, and hand-wrote a comment, "Please leave package in door." I even put a smiley-face after it! Then I taped a very nice chocolate bar to it, and hung everything back on the door.

And then, I even felt guilty. Here I was leaving nice treats for the UPS, who hardly ever visits, but my poor USPS delivery person, who lugs my mail up to my door every single day, through rain or sleet or tornadoes, floods, tsunamis, and threat of nuclear holocaust...?? She got nuthin'.

I was even leaving her with extra work, because I had a couple of bills to be mailed. Ravaged with shame, I knew this simply would not do. I returned to my Chocolate Stash and picked out another nice bar for the nice mail girl. I propped it up in the mailbox, leaning jauntily against the letters I hoped she'd deliver.

There. Everything looked good. Chocolate and fond hopeful thoughts for all delivery people. "Oh please o please delivery gods, just leave what I have paid for on the porch it is addressed to! Is that so challenging?

Driving home this evening, I was peering at the door while pulling up the driveway. Hmm, I see a sticker on the door, that's not a good sign. The mailbox is bursting with stuff, don't know if that's good, and HEY there's a package on my porch behind Harriet!

I park the car and spring lightly up the steps to assess the situation. the door actually contains TWO notes now. My note, including the delicious chocolate bar, left untouched, and a NEW NOTE where along with the standard check box the delivery person has circled the words "IN PERSON".

Fine, I get it. In person. But I just have to ask why. Why would they do that? Why would he stand there, my package in his hand, inches from my front door, reading my cheerful-yet-barely-disguised-begging, smelling my delicious chocolate, then coldly circle the words "IN PERSON" and turn a harsh shoulder to my pleading-eyed cat in the window and stalk away, taking my package away from its home without so much of a glance back through hardened eyes.... WHY?

When I emptied my mailbox of the junk it contained, I saw the second chocolate bar had also been scorned. Okay I didn't leave a note or anything, maybe she didn't know it was hers.... But come on... Nobody wants my damn chocolate?! I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE FRIENDLY... BUT FINE! I'M NOT BITTER!

Oh, and the exciting box which WAS left behind Harriet? It was a ridiculously large box which eventually, after lots of unpacking, revealed a memory card. The size of a postage stamp. It could have held like six books!

Point of interest: until I get my other box, this over-packed memory card is useless. Last week I finally took the plunge and ordered a new camera! Yes, joy! Except that I can't seem to get my hands on it. Why would Amazon do this to me? Isn't there somewhere you have to TELL it to wait for a signature, and can't they ask me if I really WANT such a ridiculous formality?

Also, why would they drop off the stupid memory card, which needs a camera to put things into its memory, with nary a sticker, signature, wink, or chocolate? It's the same damn company, and the same damn shipping!

Especially since I ordered the free shipping, which I believe is called Tortoise Express. I'd expect no extras at all, that I should be grateful it even made it at all. Like, they should just leave it in my driveway and hope I don't run over it coming home.

Now granted I would prefer it on my porch. But if it ended up in my property, even up a tree would be more welcome than having to drive to the UPS and beg them to relinquish what they taunted my front door with THREE TIMES.

I really want to play with my new toy tomorrow! Actually, I wanted to play with it tonight, but that's clearly not an option. Now I can only awkwardly write Lj posts from underneath a cuddly cat. This would make such a great picture! If only I had a lovely new camera.

My only hope seems to be getting home tomorrow before 5, since their little note alleges that they're coming after 5. This is challenging for somebody who traditionally works until 7... but I put in a ton of extra hours last week for the migration.

I'll see how busy work is tomorrow. Maybe I can sneak out and chastise the UPS dude. (or dudette, I don't know) He's certainly not getting any chocolate though. Maybe I'll try to give my chocolates to the garbage people.

I wonder if they'd be grateful, or if they'd just throw them away....?

Current Music: Love And Rockets - So Alive

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Comments
niiicolaaa From: niiicolaaa Date: March 21st, 2006 04:39 am (UTC) (Link)
With UPS I usually go to the warehouse after 5 and pick up the package and sign for it there, since I am never at home during the day either. I don't know if it gives you that option or tells you where you can go on the note. I know the one by me is on Meadowbrook at 11 Mile, but I don't think you live on this side of town. I once stalked my UPS guy at another stop on his route down the road, cornered him, and begged him to give me my computer, but I am pretty sure he thought I was crazy after that so I wouldn't recommend it =) Good luck!
anderale From: anderale Date: March 21st, 2006 05:12 am (UTC) (Link)
Wow. Scorned chocolate! That is very odd indeed. Poor Chocolate.

I can't recall if it is UPS or FedEx who will allow you to redirect your mail. If you are permitted to receive packages at work, you can have them deliver it there.
ellison From: ellison Date: March 21st, 2006 05:28 am (UTC) (Link)
The mail person probably just didn't know the chocolate was for her. Or maybe she's diabetic! I can't imagine anyone turning down chocolate. Except for one friend of mine who actually doesn't even like chocolate - what is wrong with her? Now I want chocolate.
elizilla From: elizilla Date: March 21st, 2006 06:02 am (UTC) (Link)
When I worked in an office I used to have all kinds of trouble getting packages like that, until I stopped having them sent to my house and started having them sent to my office. I remember going to UPS every day for a week trying to get the package that they wouldn't leave at my door. Every evening I called the number and promised to pick it up at their depot if they'd keep it there, and every day my package was out on a truck somewhere when I arrived.

Eventually I talked the depot counter person into giving me their local phone number so I could at least call and see if my package was there or out on another truck before I spent my lunch hour driving over there again. According to the depot counter person, the national 800 number was really bad at flagging packages to hold at the depot, even though they claimed they could do it.
jer_ From: jer_ Date: March 21st, 2006 06:54 am (UTC) (Link)

UPS/Airborn Express

With UPS and AE (for some reason Fed Ex never has a problem leaving stuff for me), I typically write on their first note that the package is my insulin and please leave it so I don't die. It has worked every time.

Now, I realize that if they were thinking, they must know that Egghead and Amazon.com don't traffic in much insulin, but they don't seem to care.

Of course, the insulin note immediately following the chocolate bars might not work so well...

-jer
encorecrazay From: encorecrazay Date: March 21st, 2006 08:36 am (UTC) (Link)
When I order expensive stuff, I have it sent to the office, actually Fedex should be delivering a package on Wednesday to my home but it's only a $50 order (camera battery). Haven't had a "IN PERSON" request ever that I remember, usually just a signed note has been enough for them to leave it or instead of waiting for the next day, I'll drive to their facility to pick it up (I think they're usually open to 8PM).

From UPS's website: Plan Ahead and Receive Your Package on the First Attempt
To receive your package on the first delivery attempt, track the package and leave a note for the driver on the scheduled delivery day. The note can instruct the driver to either leave the package, or, if a signature is required, deliver it to a nearby neighbor who is home during the day. Other options include having packages sent to an address where someone is available during the day.

UPS makes up to three delivery attempts, excluding weekends and holidays. All COD packages will be returned to sender the same day as the final delivery attempt. We will hold other packages for five business days after the final delivery attempt.

NOTE: Notice the three delivery attempts. Since you've got the notice, use their website to have it delivered to the office, or call the 800 number to do it.
egon010 From: egon010 Date: March 21st, 2006 08:52 am (UTC) (Link)
If you have too many chocolate bars, I'll take one :)
devnul From: devnul Date: March 21st, 2006 12:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
It's not the delivery guy's choice or option — Amazon decided a signator must be physically present to sign for the package. That helps relieve them of liability if the package was left on your porch then stolen later that afternoon. And if they did leave the item against the rules, they could lose their job.

If work is an option, definitely get deliveries there. I do it all the time (and with Amazon items that take 2-5 weeks to deliver, it's a fun surprise when they suddenly show up). If not, you just have to check off on the sticky to hold for delivery and go over to the depot.
pstscrpt From: pstscrpt Date: March 21st, 2006 03:10 pm (UTC) (Link)
When my new TiVo arrived before mogwar was awake, I went through UPS's web site and requested a same-day pickup. They called me to make arrangements and I had to show up at some warehouse between 8 and 9. I was waiting in a little guard shack with about 15 other people (another 25 were outside) until about 8:30, and then a truck came out from the warehouse with two drivers, and those of us who were waiting got sent to the truck in pairs.

It was kind-of unpleasant, but I got the new TiVo on Friday instead of Monday, and got to use the new big drive to record most of the Winter Olympics.
nishar From: nishar Date: March 21st, 2006 11:46 pm (UTC) (Link)
This post made me laugh. I hope those mean UPS delivery weasels give your your pachage this time.
grrry From: grrry Date: March 22nd, 2006 03:11 pm (UTC) (Link)
Halo Just send the chocolate to me by way of Annette. I know what to do with it properly, and that way you won't be wasting it on some foolish nitwit in a Brown Shirt. At least the chocolate will be fully appreciated in my possession, worshipped as the major food group that it is, and appropriately savored with a long and enduring enjoyment second only to that other thing that I vaguely know I shouldn't mention.
theobviousname From: theobviousname Date: March 23rd, 2006 04:09 am (UTC) (Link)
If you think this might become a regular trial for you, you might talk to them about having an authorization on file (or something like that). We have a couple of stickers in our front window, right beside the mail slot; one's Purolator and the other might be UPS. They're barcodes that the deliverators can scan instead of needing to get a signature. (M. needs this 'cause she often needs to get stuff - fabric, hardware, faucets, etc. - delivered and can never count on being home. I, on the other hand, just have it delivered to my work.)
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