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Arms of the Angel - cellophane
the story of an invisible girl
renniekins
renniekins
Arms of the Angel
I have been largely silent for awhile now. I think...I think I have too much to say, rendering me mute. Odd how that can happen sometimes.

I have been thinking so much about my life, recently. I feel in some ways like it is stagnating. I am fast approaching the 3 year anniversary of S's death, and with that I feel a strong sense of impending doom and remembered agony. But I also feel as though...as though I have stood still for those three years.

So many people, when they experience a huge trauma like that, their whole life changes. Their entire existance is thrown into turmoil. They lose jobs, residences, friends; they spend a lot of time foundering about before they recover their feet again. They throw away their old lives, and start new ones, good or bad.

Me? I hung on. I couldn't let go of anything I had, anything familiar, because I had lost too much already. I went back to work within a week of incident. I kept skating. I continued taking care of our cats. I stayed in our home for 6 months, and when I finally moved, I brought a lot of his posessions with me.

I still have that very same job. I still skate. Still have the cats, the stuff. I still drive my same car. None of these things are bad, mind you. I enjoy my work, love my cats....I am not displeased with anything I do. But still, it's the same, all the same. So much sameness.

Oh, my life has changed in some ways. I have this house, that I bought 6 months after he died. I have made lots of new friends, even boys, and have dated and met some wonderful people. I even have a new name that lots of people use. I have this journal. I have lost weight, started taking ballet, running, speedskating, started reading more, and reaquainted myself with playing the piano and singing. Even my duties at my job have changed significantly.

But still, the big ticket items are all the same. I live in the same area. I work for the same company. I have so much furniture and assorted stupid crap. Job, city, house, cats, posessions...at times I feel so trapped and stuck and stale.

I feel like I am putting down roots, when all I ever wanted was wings.

Current Music: Angel, Sarah McLachlan

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Comments
charisma From: charisma Date: June 21st, 2002 11:56 am (UTC) (Link)

*hugs*

Sometimes, even when you're rooted, you can still take short flights. It's good to have a bit of both, you know.

thenisaid From: thenisaid Date: June 21st, 2002 12:52 pm (UTC) (Link)
Where do you want to fly? Do you want to make a big move that shakes up everything or continue to make smaller changes that add up? When you look at your life, what makes you feel most stagnant? Is it big things like your job or your home or your circle of friends, or small things, like ...things: physical stuff you now want to let go of?
renniekins From: renniekins Date: June 21st, 2002 08:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm not altogether sure. I have daydreams of just abandoning my current life altogether, picking somewhere interesting to live, and just driving there, making a completely fresh start. Or putting my house and cats and furniture up for rent, and trying somewhere new to live, but with a "fallback". Or just backpacking around Europe for a year. Living in a cabin in the woods, and just writing and introspecting for awhile. Finding a great Java job in Scotland, and moving there. Something big and lifechanging, yes, but I don't really know what....and my practical and responsible natures keep winning out....
(Deleted comment)
sandstar From: sandstar Date: June 21st, 2002 03:21 pm (UTC) (Link)
This quote is so nice! Can I use it in my journal, and credit it to you?

I post a "Quote of the Day" in my journal - just call me a quote junkie ;)
(Deleted comment)
sandstar From: sandstar Date: June 21st, 2002 03:40 pm (UTC) (Link)
So many people, when they experience a huge trauma like that, their whole life changes. Their entire existance is thrown into turmoil. They lose jobs, residences, friends; they spend a lot of time foundering about before they recover their feet again. They throw away their old lives, and start new ones, good or bad.

I admire your strength. You are so strong...

As a nurse, I've seen many people die from chronic illnesses, traumatic accidents...

...one of the things that saddens me so is to see the profound grief that the families and friends experience. I've wished that I could fast-forward them through it, but of course, I cannot. Unlike the many other things a nurse can do to "fix and right things", I'm powerless when it comes to this.

I've always believed that there is nothing I can say to make the the families and friends feel better. Oh, I try - very much so. My mere words cannot begin to dampen the grief of someone who has just lost their lover, spouse, friend. I wish my words could be much more profound - they always seem cheap to me - and hollow. Of course, I think they know that I mean well. I give lots of hugs and cry with the families and friends, and my heart goes home heavy.

My oldest brother, Stan, died in a plane crash in November 2000.

The acute grief was terrible. The lingering grief has slowly turned to grudging acceptance.

I hate to think what I will be like when another death arrives in my family. As a human being, I know it will, but God, please don't let it be anytime soon. I'll be a wreck at handling it.

I hope this makes some sort of sense...

radiantsoul From: radiantsoul Date: June 22nd, 2002 02:53 am (UTC) (Link)
Your pretty cool Rennie!
I am sure you will be fine.
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