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Eleven Years - cellophane
the story of an invisible girl
renniekins
renniekins
Eleven Years
It feels like forever ago, a whole lifetime ago, but I haven't forgotten.

S. M. L.
6-29-70
7-6-99

This is a strange anniversary for me, being that I am engaged again. Next year at this time I will be married. It is the last time I intend to ever be engaged -- but that was my plan the first time too. Life is what happens when you're making other plans, as they say, and sometimes that realization stops me cold with fear. More than most people, I am acutely aware that just wanting something to last forever isn't enough to make it happen.

It's a little bit bewildering, and I don't entirely know how to feel. Two days ago I was sitting in the bow of a friend's boat, soaking up the sunshine, feeling a cool breeze on my face, watching a beautiful shoreline go by, nestled in the arms of my fiancé, utterly at peace. A thought passed through my mind, "I couldn't possibly be happier." It's true. S is a part of my past, not a part of my current life. But I still want to recognize his memory once a year; he deserves to be remembered.

There is also the lesson I learned as a result of his death, that nothing is certain. It terrifies me sometimes, knowing that all this could be taken away again. Even though I know that the particular thing that took S away won't happen to M, there are still accidents and diseases everywhere waiting to pounce. Life is so fragile, and there are no guarantees.

What can I do with this lesson? I don't know, other than to plow on. Try not to let the fear control or distort my life. Soak up every joy we find together, and hope there will be hundreds, thousands, millions yet to follow. Most days it's easy, because I really and truly am happy. Sometimes though, it still takes everything I have not to be paralyzed by the knowledge that I have no idea how long this will last nor what the future will hold.

But I'm going to keep reaching for that future, and do my best to make it a beautiful one.

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(no subject) - davehogg - Expand
guingel From: guingel Date: July 6th, 2010 05:28 am (UTC) (Link)
It's been 8 or 9 years since we've known each other now, albeit to varying degrees. And I just am really happy for you that you're at this stage in your life now, although that's a clumsy way to say it. And I am sending you my good wishes for your beautiful future.
delosd From: delosd Date: July 6th, 2010 11:14 am (UTC) (Link)
That all sounds like the absolute healthiest outlook you could have, going into the unknown. Blessings for happiness and a long tegetherness for both of you, and wishes for the strength to deal with all that comes. But I hope you won't need to use a lot of that strength.
sherdeb From: sherdeb Date: July 6th, 2010 11:22 am (UTC) (Link)
Hug.
nishar From: nishar Date: July 6th, 2010 11:51 am (UTC) (Link)
I think your future is gonna be a good one my friend. You have a damn good man to share it with you. Who knows how long y'all have to liv on Earth. But it will be time well spent with some one like that next to you.
hannunvaakuna From: hannunvaakuna Date: July 6th, 2010 02:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
i love you.
From: writerwench Date: July 6th, 2010 04:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
Darlin, I think you've had the toughest, most hurtful learning experience possible, and one that most people don't have until they're a lot older. Yes, I think you're right to honour his memory, and thank him for having been a part of your life.
What to do with the lesson? On this day, review it, then put it gently back up on the shelf of Life Experiences, where it will encourage you mutely to relish, cherish, and make the most of every minute of happiness you have in this life. Without being paranoid or depressive, you know how fragile it all is, and that is a rare and precious wisdom.
specialagentm From: specialagentm Date: July 6th, 2010 06:02 pm (UTC) (Link)
As others have said, you deserve your happiness. I'm glad you can accept it and truly cherish it.

I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes and double-check that Jess is still there. Yes, even when she's only inches away. Sometimes I get up and check on the kids, and the dog, and the cats. Some part of me worries, like you, that something terrible could always happen. I try to just remind myself that I'm scared sometimes simply because life is good now and I know I need these people near me.

Really, I think living in the moment and being thankful every day is vital to happiness.
cleobatya From: cleobatya Date: July 7th, 2010 01:04 am (UTC) (Link)
I don't know you very well yet, but I'm happy you are able to remember and respect your life together from a place where you are surrounded by happiness, hope, comfort and love...
swerve From: swerve Date: July 7th, 2010 02:54 am (UTC) (Link)
(hugs)
anderale From: anderale Date: July 8th, 2010 08:45 pm (UTC) (Link)
xoxo.
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