November 13th, 2001

duke-juggle

(no subject)

Well, made it through skating fairly well, and I'm even kinda tired right now. I was afraid I'd be too wired to go to sleep, which would be a bad thing because mornings come quickly, whether or not you've gotten any rest!

Made some toast just now, since I failed to eat a proper dinner earlier. As I did so, I was reminded of the following:

I was making tea one night for myself and C. When it was brewed, I asked him, "Honey?"
He responded, "Yes?", then looked up to see I was holding the jar of honey.
"No," I explained to him, "Honey is not one of the pet names I use for you, and it never will be...."
duke-juggle

Lost....

Terrible terrible thing happened today: I lost my earring. The one that S gave me, for my first birthday we were dating. Actually he gave me two, little diamond studs, and they were tiny but beautiful, I'd never had diamonds before, never had anything so precious. I loved them, showed them off to everyone, wore them all the time.

Then about 2 years later, he and I went to New York for my aunt's wedding. While there, I lost one of them. I was devestated. All of us were searching the hotel room for like an hour, scouring every inch of the carpet. We actually found the back, but never the front. I felt so awful about losing it. S kept saying to me "it's okay, I'll buy you new ones, nicer ones," but I would say "no, I don't want new ones, I want mine!" But we couldn't find it anywhere, and finally gave it up for lost.

When we got back home, I had my left ear pierced again, specifically for the one remaining earring. After that, I never took it off except occasionally to clean it, not ever; it had its own place on my ear. S admitted he was a little bummed that I'd lost the one, but flattered that I had installed a new hole for the other.

After he died it had extra special meaning for me, and for 3 years now I've always had that little diamond in my extra ear-hole. It was just a part of me. Then today at work, I'm sitting in a meeting and I happen to touch my ear, and it's gone!!! Oh shit, oh god, how could this have happened? I immediately start searching the floor where I'm sitting, pulling off my sweater, to see if it's somewhere there. It's not. I search my cubicle, my scarf, my coat, etc, it's not anywhere. I started to cry, right there in the office, so I escaped to the bathroom for awhile. Then I came back and searched again.

I kept hoping that maybe just maybe it was here at home. Even left work a bit early to come look. But I haven't found it. I still hope that perhaps it's somewhere. I haven't done a completely thorough search yet. Although I am fast losing hope. I actually found the back again, just like in New York, next to the sweater I wore to work yesterday. Unbelievable, it's just horrible deja vu. Now get this, while I'm looking for it, some telemarker calls asking for "Mr. or Miss L", S's last name! He has been gone for 2 years. What a wretched day. This sucks.

I am so mad at myself too, for losing the second one. I have often thought that I should take it to a jeweler and get a screw-on backing, so it will be safer. And I was always going to...."some day." So stupid of me to put it off. But the backing I'd put on it was so tight, I thought it was okay! I should know better though, I mean something like this is completely irreplaceable. I should have been more careful.

Okay, gonna go continue my search. I'm already accepting that I'll never see it again, but I have to keep looking anyway.....
  • Current Mood
    devestated