November 14th, 2001


Oh well.

I think I've resigned myself. I'm okay again, and although I still hope I stumble across the darn earring, I realize I probably won't. Oh well, I have to remind myself, it's just a thing, and even though it represented something more to me, it remains just an object.

The problem is: the little things like that are all I have left of S; they are finite in number and irreplaceable. But I have to remember they are still just material things. Even if all of them disappear, I won't forget him in my head. Even as the memories fade, and nothing can take away what we shared, or the fact that we loved one another. But I have to live in the present of course. And my life right now, while different than I had envisioned it two years ago, is a very good one. Losing something from my past brings up vivid memories of past pain, and it's kind of like losing him all over again, but it is still only the past after all. Sometimes it's hard to remember that.

Anyway, just thinking through my fingers a little bit. Guess that's what these journal thingies are for, eh? A friend at work suggested that maybe this happened to remind me of S a little bit, make me think of him, and remember what we shared. And that's not such a bad thing really. (Although I'd still like my earring back God, now that I've learned my lesson, please?)
  • Current Music
    Memories fade but the scars still linger, by Tears For Fears


Just got back from a late-night walk. It was thunderstorming earlier, albeit mildly - I'd planned to go out walking in it, but didn't quite get around to it. I enjoy walking in the rain and storms. I prefer summer storms, because you can go out half-clothed and really enjoy it, feel it caressing your skin and be one with the elements....but even though it's autumn, today was not a horribly cold day so I thought it would still be nice. I guess I just like weather, which is perhaps strange since I hate to be cold, but I still find nature beautiful..

The post-storm misty dark haze I found myself in was wonderful. The sky was a kind of a light brown / dark gray color, impossible to describe, an overcast night without stars or moon but with its own peculiar glow. It couldn't quite decide if it was going to stop raining or not.

Most of the trees have lost their leaves by now, so their wetly dark branches were starkly silhouetted against the sky. I love the fantastically fractal nature of trees; they never cease to intrigue me. Each of them is completely unique, even while being functionally built from the same pieces. Kind of like people.

There was this one tree, it had the misfortune to be growing underneath an electric wire. So somebody had trimmed it away from the wire, but it looked as though it had basically split itself in half, bent one half over to duck underneath the wire, and both sides had kept right one growing. I love the way a tree reaches for the sun, even if it has to go around obstacles along the way.
  • Current Mood
    thoughtful thoughtful