December 23rd, 2001

butterfly

Heavy Thoughts

I think that until I really come to believe it for myself, I will never actually believe somebody who tells me he thinks I'm beautiful. I keep hearing silent conditionals and modifiers inside my head.

I was thinking earlier this evening that it was just the person I was with, that maybe he didn't really believe what he'd just said. And I was thinking that I missed being with people who did believe that I am thin and beautiful, just the way I am. Then I realized that I didn't believe them either, when they would say it, not really. That's when I realized the problem is in me, and in my own self-image. Oh, I think I'm pretty, attractive, cute....but I also think I'm too heavy, and not beautiful. He says he doesn't think that. But I think he does. He probably does. He's pretty weight-obsessed himself. Regardless of what he thinks though, the fact that I think these things will overpower it.

Really I shouldn't fault him for thinking that, when I think it myself. But I don't want others to think it - naturally, I want to believe other people think I'm perfect just the way I am. Don't we all? Yet even if they say so, I'm unwilling to believe it! How terribly self-defeating.

Oy, I'm thinking in circles. But at least I exercised some tonight. Hopefully that will help me feel better about myself.
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