August 19th, 2004


Reasons to hate your body

I think my bladder is shrinking. It was miniature to begin with, so this is unfortunate. I wake up in the middle of every night with a painfully overfull bladder. It sucks, because I'll be so tired, and I'll just want to ignore it and go back to sleep. But it hurts too much to sleep, so I drag myself out of bed, down the stairs, and into the bathroom. I keep my eyes closed for as much of the trip as is wise, in the hopes that I will stay as close to sleep as possible. Sometimes it works. On the good nights, this only happens once.

This morning I woke around 7am from a violent coughing fit, just like yesterday morning and the morning before. I think perhaps my bedroom is too dry for my recovering sinuses. I got up, went into the kitchen for a few sips of orange juice, then to the bathroom. Then back upstairs, and I crawled back into bed. My alarm is set for 7:45, and I lay there, still very sleepy, wondering if I could reclaim my last 45 minutes of sleep.

I thought that I should really just get up and go into work a little early. I reminded myself that if I did fall back asleep, waking up again would be painful. Slowly these thoughts twisted into a dreamlike conversation with my parents about the validity of buying a humidifier. We debated whether it would even be effective in my large open bedroom.

When my alarm went off, I snooze-buttoned away another half hour of pseudo-sleep. It wasn't satisfying, but I just didn't feel ready to face the world.

Upon finally getting up, I weighed myself. I hoped that at least all the bladder-emptying would translate into some encouraging weight-loss, but no luck. I am still 12 pounds above my "lowest weight ever", though only 7 pounds above my pre-surgery weight. Blah, I miss that lowest-weight-ever! I hate my pants feeling uncomfortably tight.

So I did a bunch of stomach crunches before I got dressed. As soon as I lay down on the floor, a kitty came over to cuddle with me. She looked at me strangely when I started crunching, so I asked her, "Why don't you ever try to cuddle when I am in bed, not doing anything? That would be the perfect kitty time. But oh no, you want to be petted when it's time for me to get up and do things!"

As I continued with my crunches, she tried to rub her chin against mine. I kept bumping into her head as I raised my shoulders off the floor, making the exercise extra strange and challenging. She was surprisingly determined though, considering that her little head kept getting rammed.

When I finished, she immediately hopped into my chest. I petted her for a few minutes before I forced her off announcing, "I really need to go to work or something."

So here I am.