August 24th, 2004


Summer of Fixing

I have a vaguely-formed idea in my head that this summer will be the summer I "fix everything". Well okay maybe not everything, but the big parts of me. I want to fix and improve myself, then I'll be ready for whatever it is I want to do next with my life. I've had the surgery to fix my knee, and I'm trying to finish that up. Hopefully it will be all better soon.

I'm trying a bit of therapy to try to fix my mind. That was kind of an adventure. The guy I talked to was quite fixated on S's death, and how it has affected me. Well naturally that's a Pretty Big Deal, but... Well I don't know. Maybe he's right, to a degree. He said to me, after I shared with him a few journal entries: "This is destroying you."

I quirked an eyebrow at him. "That's a pretty strong word," I told him dubiously.

(Side note: "quirked an eyebrow" is fancy literary-license-speak. Apparently everyone in fiction novels can raise one eyebrow while not moving the other one. The fact is: I can't do it, but I really wish I could. I have a special face I use whenever I would be raising just one eyebrow and not the other, if I were capable. It's a sort of an acrobatic wrinkling of the eyebrows, with a head-tilt and a slight lip-twist. (It looks much better than it sounds.) It's as close as I can come to conveying the same concept, and it does the job, but it just doesn't sound as good in writing.)

Anyway, back to the story at hand. He said, "It hasn't ruined you, but it is destroying you. Do you see the distinction?" I didn't agree with his choice of words, but I did see what he was getting at. So I agreed to let him try to fix me. Hopefully that will be all better soon too.

My other big goal is to fix my eyes. I've worn glasses since the age of about 10, and contact lenses since 13. I'm one of those people who (unaided) looks at the eye chart and sees a fuzzy white square. If I squint, I can see that there is black writing on it, and I can mostly make out the big "E".

I want to try laser eye surgery. I've been thinking about it for awhile, off and on. Loving the idea of life without glasses or contacts, but worried about its effectiveness. I know more and more people who have tried it and love it, so I've decided it might be time.

Actually, back in December I thought this was definitely going to be The Year For Lasik. I set aside money in my Flexible Spending Account for it and everything. That was before I knew I'd need knee surgery, and now all the FSA money has been used up. Even without the FSA though, I do have a decent savings account. I'm generally a pretty frugal person with a good job. It might be worth it to dip into those savings and get my eyes done anyway. After all, this is the Summer of Fixing, and it would be nice to have it out of the way. The sooner I get this done, the more time I can enjoy with good vision!

Before I can decide for sure though, I need to find out if I am even an eligible candidate for the surgery. I am fairly certain there won't be a problem, but I don't know for sure. I therefore saw my optometrist yesterday, and we talked about it. He recommended a few places he thinks are pretty good, and I called one that offers a (small) discount with my fancy new vision insurance.

I have an appointment for a screening on September 13! I don't have to go through with anything, but at least I've taken the first step. It's kind of exciting.

The only bummer is: I'm not supposed to wear my contacts for two weeks prior to the screening. Two weeks! I'm used to wearing my contacts every day... I don't have any idea when the last time is that I went that long wearing only my glasses. That will be really weird and a bit annoying. But hopefully it will be worth it in the end. I'll be like the bionic woman: "We can rebuild her; we have the technology."