December 6th, 2004


Anonymous Confessions

Tigger Slippers
There are my tigger slippers, with my feet inside and my ankles sticking out. Pardon the low lighting...

I was sleeping -- no, actually I was in bed but not sleeping. Because it was too damn cold! Even with a cat pressed up against me, trying to double our combined body heat, even with my down comforter tucked all around me. My nose was cold, and when I tucked it under the covers for long I couldn't breath. And whenever I would move, cracks would form under the edge of the comforter, letting in the chill air from the bedroom.

Whoever claimed that heat rises obviously never tried to sleep in my bedroom on a cold night.

So I flung cats and comforters everywhere, lept out of bed, and put on a bunch of warm clothes. I came down here and told my programmable thermostat that yes, even though it's 2:34am, I don't want the house at 68 degrees anymore. I want it at 72. At least! Now I'm sitting here in my sweats and my tigger slippers and the heat is blasting away. I'm eating cereal and beginning to get warm again.

I have a secret, but I feel this strange urge to confess. Do you have a secret? If so, you should post it ANONYMOUSLY! If enough anonymous posts are made, then I'll casually mix mine in with the rest, and nobody will know it's me. It's almost 3am on a cold cold night, we're wearing Tigger slippers and eating cereal. It's time to start confessing secrets. Then we'll paint each others nails. (First girl to fall asleep gets her bra in the freezer.)

I'll turn off the IP logging thing. Only post anonymously, 'kay?


They say confession is good for your soul, so go do it! Well, you know, if you want to and stuff. (:

Got this on a mailing list, and it made me laugh. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"


by Joe Blundo

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly. Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?" In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said.
"I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though." When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.

In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts.. And, we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."