February 18th, 2006

skater

On Watching Synchro

Last night I went to watch my ex skating team's end-of-year exhibition. It was fun watching them skate, and their program looks good. It was even more fun chatting with various friends and ex teammates.

I especially talked with a bunch of alums, since we weren't busy skating. The same questions kept resurfacing again and again. Do you miss it? Think you'll go back?

I was very waffley on those questions. Because the fact is: I DO miss it. I miss the comradery. I miss traveling and hanging out with my teammates. I miss the competition. I miss the thrill of performing. I miss the challenge, the workouts, the sportsmanship, and feeling like an athlete. I miss the agony of chasing and winning that elusive national gold medal. I miss having my boyfriends come watch me skate, and I miss introducing this exciting sport to new friends. I miss identifying myself as a synchro skater.

BUT... I definitely don't miss spending all that money. I don't miss the time commitment, and synchro is a huge time commitment. I don't miss being unable to travel or just go away for a weekend. I don't miss the injuries, nor the fear of getting hurt.

That's a much smaller paragraph than the first. But those are pretty big items, nonetheless. It's nice being able to do other things -- having the time and money to do other things.

I still worry about hurting my knees again....I guess that will just be a constant fear in my head. But skating individually, instead of with a team, makes me feel a little safer. Somebody asked me how my knee was doing, and I said that it was doing well. It hurts when I use it, but it works. I suppose it's always going to be that way, as I continue to get older and continue using it. But it functions despite the pain, and that's a relief.

I don't like the fact that the idea of synchro makes me scared for my knee. I don't like to live a life dictated by fear. But there are other big reasons I'm not on the team right now. Besides which, I'm skating, just not competitively.

Do I miss it? Yeah, sometimes. Will I go back? Maybe... it's always possible. Who knows what the future may hold, or when I'll change my mind? But right now I'm not planning on it.

I'm not sure how that makes me feel. Maybe it's because I haven't really replaced synchro with anything. I guess I'm used to having something big that I'm dedicated to. But right now? I don't know. I'm not sure what, if anything, I want to do about that. Not an exciting conclusion, but right now I'm just airing out my thoughts....