March 20th, 2006


UPS: Under-Productive Substandard

Today I tried to bribe the UPS. Without success, unfortunately. I don't know why it didn't work -- it worked once before. Or maybe that was the USPS, or some other delivery service. I can't keep them straight. But a year or two ago I left a signed note with a bag of candy, and they took their candy and left me my package. Everyone came home happy. And this time I even used a chocolate bar as the bribe, not some silly bad of hard candies! How can they resist?

Yesterday they left a note on my door, saying that a package had to be signed for in person. Well I work during the day, and I'm the only one who lives here. I took the note, signed it, and hand-wrote a comment, "Please leave package in door." I even put a smiley-face after it! Then I taped a very nice chocolate bar to it, and hung everything back on the door.

And then, I even felt guilty. Here I was leaving nice treats for the UPS, who hardly ever visits, but my poor USPS delivery person, who lugs my mail up to my door every single day, through rain or sleet or tornadoes, floods, tsunamis, and threat of nuclear holocaust...?? She got nuthin'.

I was even leaving her with extra work, because I had a couple of bills to be mailed. Ravaged with shame, I knew this simply would not do. I returned to my Chocolate Stash and picked out another nice bar for the nice mail girl. I propped it up in the mailbox, leaning jauntily against the letters I hoped she'd deliver.

There. Everything looked good. Chocolate and fond hopeful thoughts for all delivery people. "Oh please o please delivery gods, just leave what I have paid for on the porch it is addressed to! Is that so challenging?

Driving home this evening, I was peering at the door while pulling up the driveway. Hmm, I see a sticker on the door, that's not a good sign. The mailbox is bursting with stuff, don't know if that's good, and HEY there's a package on my porch behind Harriet!

I park the car and spring lightly up the steps to assess the situation. the door actually contains TWO notes now. My note, including the delicious chocolate bar, left untouched, and a NEW NOTE where along with the standard check box the delivery person has circled the words "IN PERSON".

Fine, I get it. In person. But I just have to ask why. Why would they do that? Why would he stand there, my package in his hand, inches from my front door, reading my cheerful-yet-barely-disguised-begging, smelling my delicious chocolate, then coldly circle the words "IN PERSON" and turn a harsh shoulder to my pleading-eyed cat in the window and stalk away, taking my package away from its home without so much of a glance back through hardened eyes.... WHY?

When I emptied my mailbox of the junk it contained, I saw the second chocolate bar had also been scorned. Okay I didn't leave a note or anything, maybe she didn't know it was hers.... But come on... Nobody wants my damn chocolate?! I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE FRIENDLY... BUT FINE! I'M NOT BITTER!

Oh, and the exciting box which WAS left behind Harriet? It was a ridiculously large box which eventually, after lots of unpacking, revealed a memory card. The size of a postage stamp. It could have held like six books!

Point of interest: until I get my other box, this over-packed memory card is useless. Last week I finally took the plunge and ordered a new camera! Yes, joy! Except that I can't seem to get my hands on it. Why would Amazon do this to me? Isn't there somewhere you have to TELL it to wait for a signature, and can't they ask me if I really WANT such a ridiculous formality?

Also, why would they drop off the stupid memory card, which needs a camera to put things into its memory, with nary a sticker, signature, wink, or chocolate? It's the same damn company, and the same damn shipping!

Especially since I ordered the free shipping, which I believe is called Tortoise Express. I'd expect no extras at all, that I should be grateful it even made it at all. Like, they should just leave it in my driveway and hope I don't run over it coming home.

Now granted I would prefer it on my porch. But if it ended up in my property, even up a tree would be more welcome than having to drive to the UPS and beg them to relinquish what they taunted my front door with THREE TIMES.

I really want to play with my new toy tomorrow! Actually, I wanted to play with it tonight, but that's clearly not an option. Now I can only awkwardly write Lj posts from underneath a cuddly cat. This would make such a great picture! If only I had a lovely new camera.

My only hope seems to be getting home tomorrow before 5, since their little note alleges that they're coming after 5. This is challenging for somebody who traditionally works until 7... but I put in a ton of extra hours last week for the migration.

I'll see how busy work is tomorrow. Maybe I can sneak out and chastise the UPS dude. (or dudette, I don't know) He's certainly not getting any chocolate though. Maybe I'll try to give my chocolates to the garbage people.

I wonder if they'd be grateful, or if they'd just throw them away....?
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