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Contest -- Win a Paid Account! - cellophane — LiveJournal
the story of an invisible girl
Contest -- Win a Paid Account!
I cashed in my invite codes awhile back, and now I have a LiveJournal coupon for $6.25. It can be used for LiveJournal merchandise and/or services.

This can buy 2 months of paid membership or 6 months of extra userpics. If you want to combine it with a little cash, you can buy even more.

I already have a paid account. I was thinking of just extending mine a bit, but then I decided it would be a lot more fun to share my coupon with one of my friends instead!

So... The Contest. It's a simple one. If you want to play, add a comment to this entry and tell me a joke. Any joke you think I'll like. Whoever responds with the funniest joke wins the coupon (not to mention honor, glory, and the respect of his/her LJ peers). I am the only judge, so when I say "funniest" I mean: the joke the amuses me the most. Keep that in mind.

Go to it, and good luck! I will announce the lucky winner on monday.

Contest ends on Sunday. Void where prohibited. Not valid in the states of Alaska or Confusion. Employees and relatives of Renniekins Incorporated are not eligible.
read 28 comments | talk to me!
prader From: prader Date: February 5th, 2004 01:02 pm (UTC) (Link)
Optimists believe we live in the best possible world.

Pessimists fear they are correct.
bjorng From: bjorng Date: February 5th, 2004 01:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist:

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made.

But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled into the windshields, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."
replyhazy From: replyhazy Date: February 5th, 2004 02:55 pm (UTC) (Link)


While still hilariously funny, this has been debunked. The gun fires chickens at such a high speed that exactly the same results would be seen from either a thawed or frozen chicken.

Still funny though! Really!
thenisaid From: thenisaid Date: February 5th, 2004 01:22 pm (UTC) (Link)

Just a little risque

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest. Along came the Big Bad Wolf. And he said, "Little Red Riding Hood, I'm going to have my way with you."

Little Red Riding Hood pulled a .45 from her basket and replied, "The hell you say. You're gonna eat me, like the story says."
prader From: prader Date: February 5th, 2004 01:26 pm (UTC) (Link)
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

cjdoyle From: cjdoyle Date: February 5th, 2004 01:33 pm (UTC) (Link)
Okay, completely tasteless. You've been warned:

If I have rooster and you have a donkey and your donkey ate the feet off of my rooster what do you have?

...No, on second thought I can't post that. Um. Let me try again later.
renniekins From: renniekins Date: February 5th, 2004 01:54 pm (UTC) (Link)
aww...come on....now you've got my curiosity piqued!

If it's not "work-safe" or something, you could always just kinda describe the punchline or something.
cjdoyle From: cjdoyle Date: February 5th, 2004 02:05 pm (UTC) (Link)
Okay, just rember that you asked for this.

"You've got two feet of my cock in your ass"
jenx From: jenx Date: February 6th, 2004 11:00 am (UTC) (Link)


That's disgusting! Shame on you!

anarmyofjuan From: anarmyofjuan Date: February 5th, 2004 02:56 pm (UTC) (Link)
you can cash in your invite codes???? how does one do that?
renniekins From: renniekins Date: February 6th, 2004 08:23 am (UTC) (Link)
Yes! You can read all about it here:

jkling From: jkling Date: February 5th, 2004 03:25 pm (UTC) (Link)
Intelligence comes in that there is a criminal rabbit in the forest. The FBI, CIA, and LAPD all get called in. the FBI goes in and can't find the rabbit. It comes out and says, "We couldn't find the rabbit but we know he's in there. We need to burn down the whole forest."

The CIA Goes in, can't find the rabbit, comes out, and says "rabbits are a myth, they don't exist."

The LAPD goes in, and an hour later LAPD comes out dragging a beat-up bear, who is yelling, "fine! fine! I'm a rabbit!"
infernus1218 From: infernus1218 Date: February 5th, 2004 03:45 pm (UTC) (Link)
Stop me if you heard this one...

Jesus Christ walks into a Hotel and slams down three nails on the counter and asks, "Can you put me up for the night?"

-The Crow.
joline From: joline Date: February 5th, 2004 04:32 pm (UTC) (Link)


aaah ha!

that one gets my vote.
thatguychuck From: thatguychuck Date: February 14th, 2004 05:36 am (UTC) (Link)


Love the LJ pic. Very nice.
infernus1218 From: infernus1218 Date: February 14th, 2004 04:53 pm (UTC) (Link)


Thank you very much, I believe that I stole it from someone else.
joline From: joline Date: February 5th, 2004 04:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
a man got home from work one night, to find his wife nervous and sweating. she ran up to him and threw her arms around him and said, "Thank god you're home safe!!! It's all over the news! A guy was driving the wrong way down the highway you use!"
the man replied, "ONE guy?? i saw about a HUNDRED guys!"
mrfellow From: mrfellow Date: February 5th, 2004 04:56 pm (UTC) (Link)
thatdog From: thatdog Date: February 5th, 2004 06:12 pm (UTC) (Link)

this is my favorite joke but i stole it from simcity 2000

These 3 strings walk into a bar. The first one goes to the bartender and says, "gimme a drink" and the bartender says "I'm sorry but we don't serve strings here." So the second string thinks that maybe if he asks nice the bartender will give him a drink. So the second string says to the bartender, "'scuse me sir, could I please have a drink sir, if it's not too much trouble?" And the bartender says," I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here, get out. "So the third string goes into the bathroom, bends himself into a loop, and messes up his hair. He walks up to the bartender, and the bartender says "excuse me, but aren't you a string?" And the string replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

AH! get it?! A FRAYED KNOT!! ha!!! hahahhahahaha!
weaklikekitten From: weaklikekitten Date: February 5th, 2004 06:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
This requires a visual:


has your nose.
guingel From: guingel Date: February 5th, 2004 07:24 pm (UTC) (Link)
I just wanted to say that I think this is a great contest--I've been reading the entries, and am much amused :D

but, well, what the hell!

A pirate walks into a bar, with a steering wheel shoved down his pants. He goes to the bar and orders some grog, and the bartender says, "Hey, you have a steering wheel in your pants!"
To which the pirate replies "Arrh! It's driving me nuts!"
jeffreyab From: jeffreyab Date: February 5th, 2004 08:55 pm (UTC) (Link)
Why did rennikins cross the road?

To buy cookies for breakfast.
From: solsistr3 Date: February 6th, 2004 07:56 am (UTC) (Link)
I am already paid, but I never pass up an excuse to tell my favourite joke:

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!
From: nicegeek Date: February 6th, 2004 10:30 am (UTC) (Link)
Contest ends on Sunday. Void where prohibited. Not valid in the states of Alaska or Confusion. Employees and relatives of Renniekins Incorporated are not eligible.

Darnit...I knew I should have moved out of Confusion! *pout*

hannunvaakuna From: hannunvaakuna Date: February 6th, 2004 11:41 am (UTC) (Link)
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.
cannibal From: cannibal Date: February 9th, 2004 03:07 pm (UTC) (Link)
I like this one best... and it makes me want a bagel!
netmouse From: netmouse Date: February 6th, 2004 03:55 pm (UTC) (Link)
okay, so a man walks into a cardiologist's office. The Doctor asks him what's wrong.
Man: "I think I'm a moth"
Doctor: "You need a psychiatrist, not a cardiologist."
Man: "I know."
Doctor: "So then why did you come in here to see me?"
Man: "Well, the light was on..."

lahabiel From: lahabiel Date: February 6th, 2004 05:58 pm (UTC) (Link)

Life During Wartime

Lions coach Steve Mariuchi was distraught over his teams failure, and was desperate to find the right quarterback to take his team all the way.

He turned on the news, and saw a story about a kid from Afghanistan who could throw grenades 100 yards with deadly accuracy. On film, the kid was seen scrambling around boulders, dodging bullets, and then aiming for a car moving 50MPH -- and sure enough, the grenade flew right through the open car window.

"What moves! What an arm!" Mariuchi cried. "We've got to get that kid!" And sure enough, two years after signing him, the Lions were Super Bowl champs.

After winning the Super Bowl, the kid called back home to tell his mother the good news.

"Sure, it's wonderful you're doing so good," she said. "But it's awful here! Your father can't get a job, the police brutalize us, we can't let your sister out of the house for fear she'll be raped, and last week your brother was shot in the street! Son, I'll never forgive you for making the family move to Detroit!"
read 28 comments | talk to me!