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Hurtingness - cellophane — LiveJournal
the story of an invisible girl
renniekins
renniekins
Hurtingness
Sometimes I feel guilty for having taken this entire week off of work. Other times, I am scared that I won't be able to handle an 8-hour desk job even next week. I think the difference between these two feelings may depend on the level of painkillers in my blood.

It's hard to tell. I've still been taking my vicodins fairly regularly. Occasionally I go through times when I feel like I ought to be getting off the damn drugs, so I put off taking one. Sometimes this works fine, other times, not so much. It probably doesn't help that I had my first PT session this morning.

This evening I was lying on the couch, feeling sore, watching a boring movie, trying without much success to curl into a fetal position. I've been lying on my back for 5 days. I miss sleeping on my side. I miss curling up. My cell phone rang, and I realized to my dismay that it was across the room. I didn't hurry to go answer it, but once it had kicked into voice mail I stood up to go check it out.

Standing up is extremely painful, because I spend my seated time with my leg propped up above my heart. Then I swing my leg down from its pillows, down to the floor. Then I bend over and pick up my crutches. Then I rise to vertical, and all of the blood that was hanging out in the upper part of my body rushes down into my leg. I don't have any weight on the leg, and I don't have any muscles clenched, so it's just like a dangling sausage swelling up.

I stood up this evening and actually started yelling, it hurt so much. Not just the knee, but the thigh muscles were on fire too. "Ow, ow, OW, dammit, ow!" Somehow yelling at it made me feel a bit better. Then I put some weight on it, walking with the aid of my crutches, which strangely enough makes it feel better (even while hurting in a different way). I think that the weight and the tightening of the muscles gets the blood circulating properly again.

The "standing-up" pain passes within a few minutes. I know this. But even so, it really sucks. I checked my drug chart, and found I was overdue to take both of my pills. I took them and had a bite to eat. I walked around the house, putting a little weight on my leg. I even sat at the computer for a bit and read some LJ, and I wrote this post. I feel better now, which is good. Still very achy, but no more sharp pain.

I need to get some Tylonal. I've been told I can take that in place of the vicodin. I think my mistake is not that I'm trying to slow down the vicodin, but that I'm foolishly not taking anything in its place. I'm clearly not ready to be off the painkillers altogether, especially now that I'm starting physical therapy.

The PT, on the other hand, went fairly well. Actually, I mean that it hurt. They moved and stretched my knee, and it wasn't fun. But at least I now have exercises I can do at home, and I know what's allowed and what isn't (more or less). I can start putting some weight on the leg, and use just one crutch around the house. I'm on the road to recovery. It will be a painful road, with a lot of hard work, but at least I'm going the right direction.

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jebra From: jebra Date: March 30th, 2004 09:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
I stood up this evening and actually started yelling, it hurt so much.
Not just the knee, but the thigh muscles were on fire too.
"Ow, ow, OW, dammit, ow!" Somehow yelling at it made me feel a bit better.


I'm glad to hear the verbal therapy is going well, too. (-B
lahabiel From: lahabiel Date: March 30th, 2004 10:55 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yelling subconsciously activates your adrenal gland, and the adrenaline helps numb your pain. Beginning martial artists are taught to yell at every strike, to get the adrenaline pumping (and also to promote proper breathing, but hey...)

So that's why screaming helped. Screaming is good. If it would help, I could come over and be really annoying, causing you to scream until all the pain goes away. You know, putting your CD's in the wrong cases, talking loudly on my cellphone while your watching movies, repeatedly calling you "Jim Bob," et cetera. You know, stuff like that.
anderale From: anderale Date: March 31st, 2004 11:46 am (UTC) (Link)
That's really interesting to know!
anderale From: anderale Date: March 31st, 2004 11:50 am (UTC) (Link)

hug

I am so sorry you have to endure the pain now, but I am glad that you were able to make yourself go through it for the long-term good.

I hope it passes quickly!!
stillriver From: stillriver Date: April 1st, 2004 06:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
Sorry to hear that pain still bothers you. But at least you the surgery behind you and things are going to get better.

I can lend you some entertaining Russian movies (w/subtitles). If nothing else, reading the subtitles should keep your mind away from the injured leg.
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