Tuesday I also didn't bring any crutches to work, but by the afternoon I was regretting it. Major pain...probably not helped by the fact that I'd forgotten to bring my usual supply of tylenol and advil with me to work. I found some advil to take, but I still took only half my usual drugs. By the time I went home last night, I was hurting too much to do anything more than lie on the couch, prop my leg up, and whimper occasionally.
I went to bed early, but mysteriously awoke this morning at 4:30am. Quite unlike me -- usually I have trouble falling asleep, but once I succeed I stay mostly-asleep. This morning I was awake for an hour or two...naturally it meant that when my alarm went off and I was supposed to get up for real, I was too tired!
Eventually I made it up and into work, bringing along one crutch. I'm still very sore today! I was feeling so sad and sorry for myself this morning, just wishing I didn't hurt anymore, didn't have to be at awake, didn't have to go to physical therapy, etc.
I am also sick of reassuring people that I'm okay. It's one thing with people I care about, because with then I can just be honest, but it's especially hard with strangers. Especially the people who work in the same building as I do -- they are basically strangers who I see often. We don't generally exchange more than "good mornings", but when they see me on crutches they have to ask sympathetic questions. They are just kind people showing concern, certainly not the sort of behavior I'd like to discourage, but I'd really rather not talk about it. I don't want to tell them that it hurts and I'm sad, so I display false cheer. "It's getting better every day," I tell them. "I had some knee surgery, but now the knee is all repaired. I just have to heal from the surgery, and it'll be great. I'm feeling much better, thanks!"
I mentioned my recent extra-soreness at my PT appointment today. She said that she wasn't surprised. Tomorrow is the surgery's 4-week anniversary. She said at 4 to 8 weeks, it's not surprising to start hurting more. ("That doesn't seem fair," I told her.)
Now that the edema (which is medical talk for swelling, but sounds cooler) has been greatly reduced, the body can get to work on serious healing of the damaged tissue. It's doing more right now, and also I'll be able to feel more without the edema dulling my nerves and sensations.
Great. So even though I'm getting better, it'll keep hurting for a long time. I shook off some of my sadness though, when she told me my flexibility looks great. That part of my healing is doing really well. This is a good thing! I'm completely on track. (Just gotta occasionally remind myself of this.) I'm just tired of it hurting, tired of it not working right yet. I'm impatient.
She also pointed out that I'm at the point where I'm generally feeling better -- I feel like I can do more, so I'm likely to push it too far. She's right...after all, look at everything I did on monday! So I need to be careful, let it rest, remember that I'm still healing.
Resting sounds good. I'll make sure I do more of that tonight. Sleep, ice, and elevation are my friends.