alpaca princess (renniekins) wrote,
alpaca princess

Taking Care of Myself

Quite awhile ago, C and I were chatting about life and such. "I am not sure I could marry somebody who can't take care of herself," he told me, "because I would always be worried about her."

We were no longer dating at the time, but my curiosity was sparked by this. I asked, "Do you think that I can take care of myself?"

"Well, I'm not I think that if somebody were to break into your house at night, you wouldn't be able to grab a gun off the gun-rack and shoot them."

"You're right. In fact, I would have trouble even finding the gun rack." (I don't own any guns.) "But I would pick up the phone by my bed, call 911, then go out the bedroom window."

"I also think that, for example if somebody insulted you, you wouldn't defend yourself."

"Yeah, that's probably true. But I would walk away. Then I would make sure that I didn't spend further time with them, so it couldn't happen again."

It's an interesting question, and one that I've been recently musing over for no real reason. I am an extremely passive and non-confrontational person, almost to a fault. But does this make me a doormat? Does this make me less capable of keeping myself from harm? My approaches are very different than some people's might be...but I think they are still fairly effective.

In a different yet somehow similar vein, it takes a lot for me to hate somebody. In fact, I don't think there is anybody I know who has succeeded in earning my actual hatred.

In my past there is a man touched me in ways I did not want to be touched, even though I told him 'no'. Surprisingly enough, I am still friendly with this man. I just make 100% certain that I am never alone with him. I take steps so that it will not happen again.

In my past there is also a man who slept with another woman, even though he and I were dating seriously at the time. I am still good friends with this man, although I broke up with him. I just won't let him hurt me that way again.

These are only two instances. There are plenty of other examples of my passivity with regard to friendships: I don't like to take drastic and irrevocable action unless absolutely necessary. It is hard for me to stop caring about a person, even if they hurt me. It is hard for me to throw away a friendship, even if some bad things occur in it.

Does this mean I can't take care of myself though? I think that I do look out for myself, even if my methods may be unconventional. After all, I do take specific actions to keep people from hurting me.

I may be passive and non-confrontational, but I don't let people trample all over me. Even if I don't overtly fight back, I quietly side-step their trample, so that their feet land on empty ground. They rush right by me, sometimes not even realizing that they've missed. I remain standing once they have passed -- perhaps bruised, but not broken.
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