It's almost 4am.
Every night around midnight, I agonize, questioning my body. Am I tired? Will I be able to sleep? Should I try taking something to help me sleep, or should I just crawl into bed and try to sleep on my own?
The problem with insomnia is that it is unpredictable. It is often very hard for me to tell, when I'm heading to bed, whether or not I will be able to sleep. I don't want to take a sleep aid every night, because their effectiveness will wear off with frequent use (not to mention the damn things are expensive!), so I don't generally like taking one before I at least try to sleep on my own. But if I toss and turn for too long, then I worry that it is too late to take something, that I will find myself groggy in the morning and have trouble waking up. Of course, I am always groggy in the morning. I always have trouble waking up. But there is a difference between still-drugged-groggy and just normal grogginess.
It's after 4am.
Around now is the time that I start to consider just staying up all night. I won't have trouble waking up, if I don't go to sleep, right? My alarm will be going off in 3 hours. I could just take a long hot shower, have a nice leisurely breakfast, and get to work early. Yeah, that seems so easy, somehow, around this time of night. But it never works that way, somehow.
4:44am....at least the numbers line up in a row.
Generally, right when that seems like the best possible course of action, that's when I find myself a little bit sleepy. Eventually I fall asleep, and invariably I am finally in a deep and peaceful slumber when the alarm sounds. I then stumble through my workday in a daze.
But I know that pulling an all-nighter isn't the answer either. I would still stumble through the workday in a daze (or at least most of it). "In the morning, your body resets itself," I used to claim in college. "The sun rises, you eat breakfast, and you wake up just as though you've slept." But I'm no longer a college student, and even back then it was never quite as easy as I liked to claim. My body will reset itself, yes, but it certainly won't last all day.
It's almost 5am.
Time to crawl back into bed. Maybe I'll sleep this time....at the very least, I can warm up my feet. Tomorrow will be a long day.