I remember the first time I had nitrous, as a teen, for my wisdom tooth extraction. I didn't feel any different; I wasn't even sure if they had remembered to turn the gas on. Maybe they didn't! Then the second time I had it, the only other time. She asked me part-way through if I could feel it, because I'd told them about the prior time. "Yes, I think so," I told her.
"Well I hope this isn't how you feel all the time," she joked. Maybe that's the problem, I thought to myself back then, maybe this is how I feel all the time. So disconnected from reality that I can't even tell when I'm high.
This time will be different though. I am so much more self-aware than I ever was before. I've lived in my head so much longer. I wonder if it's started yet? Hm, no, I don't think so, hard to breath through the nose-mask.... wait, I feel a little bit of air moving now.
Yep, now I'm definitely starting to feel it. My fingers are tingly and a little numb, and my chair feels like it's tipping me deeper inside it. Or maybe I'm a little bit above it? Definitely a bit dizzy though. Let's see, if I take a breath through my mouth my head clears a little. Yep, it's definitely working this time!
Deep breath, feel what it's like. Now through my mouth, feel the difference? Wait, if I breath through my mouth then I am just wasting precious nitrous oxide!! It's still flowing, the whole time, whether or not I'm breathing it! Whenever I exhale I'm wasting it too, breathe in, breathe in!
Whoa, calm down, no need to hyperventilate. Just relax, breathe normally through the nose. See, it's okay, you have to exhale sometimes, so just don't stress over it.
Okey doke, that's better, feeling good now. I wonder if I'll be able to write a good LJ post about this? I remember when Zeppo wrote about her dental experience, she had a really cool hallucination to tell. I'll have to remember, so I can write about it....
But I'm not feeling any hallucinations. I have a very definite sense of self remaining, even while I can feel the twisting confusion of the drug underneath it. I'm still me, just spinning around some. Especially if I keep my eyes open, it grounds me. Feeling kind of sleepy though.
Oh, the dentist is back! Darn, I was just thinking of having a little nap. No, I still feel tingly, not entirely numb. Okay, if you say I'm ready, I'll open my mouth. Time to remove the cap on my tooth.... Ack! I don't like that! It feels bumpy and weird!
"Are you okay?"
"Just some bumping, nothing to worry about."
Bump-bump, it feels creepy, but I guess it doesn't actually hurt. Ping! Ooh, that must have been my cap coming off. Good, part-way there. Oh boy, here comes the drill.
aahhhhhhHHHHHHH! Owie, scary, what are you doing, I hate this! I can feel it! Can I feel it? I don't know, I think I can....
"Are you okay?"
"Could you feel that?"
Oh good, she took the things out of my mouth and I can talk.
"I don't know I thought I felt something but maybe it's all psychological in my head I can't tell but it scared me."
"Does your mouth feel heavy? You should feel heavy and numb here along the jaw."
"I feel heavy, but not numb. Not down here.... up here I feel very numb, but down here I can feel just fine."
"Okay, I know just where you need more shots. It's okay, you should be numb, but just in case we'll give you some more shots. Let's turn up the gas too, she doesn't seem relaxed."
Oh, more gas, yes, good idea. And more shots -- ow! See there, I felt that - ow! - and that too, so it means I was right. I'm not numb. See? Told ya.
The assistant just said she's cold; I feel fine. Strange, since I'm always...oh yeah, the gas. I should tell her my funny knee surgery story. She'd probably like it. Hmm, oh, but she's got her back to me. She's probably busy with something, I shouldn't bother her. I won't tell her.
"Several few years ago, I had some knee surgery."
That was my voice! Oh, I guess I'm going to tell her after all. Okay, that's fine...
"I was awake for it, but drugged. The anesthesiologist came to me at one point and asked how I was doing. Fine, I said, How are you? I've got a bit of a headache, he said. Well you should try the stuff I'm on, you'd feel great!"
Oh good, she's laughing, I knew she'd like the story. Wow, yeah, I'm definitely feeling this stuff more. I'd better shut up and relax. It feels much stronger if I close my eyes. Opening my eyes brings me back to reality a little bit. And I can still feel my fingers, they're somewhere down there, I can feel them each one pressing against the ball, bringing me back to reality.... index fingers, middle fingers, ring fingers, oh who cares anyway?
I should really be recording this, it'd make a great post, but I'm having trouble remembering things. If I had a keyboard, I could type... not that I can see, and actually I think my typing would suck too, but maybe I could make it out eventually.
Wow, I'm really high. I am probably really susceptible to suggestion, right? I should try self-hypnosis, so I'll stop gaining weight. One-eleven! That's my dream weight, not that I think it's realistic for me, but it's good to have an unattainable goal. One! One! One! Whee, bouncing through corridors - one! - off fences - one! - over flowers - one! - bop into each room in my house - one! one! one! Healthy eating! Vegetables!
Oh this is boring. Oooh, the dentist just came back in, she's showing her assistant a magazine. Probably some boring dentist magazine. Wait, did she say something about renovation? Maybe it's a home improvement magazine! Maybe they're really people too, not just dental stereotypes. Maybe she's redoing her bathroom, or her kitchen.
I can't quite see the front, but the back page has a guy with a laptop. That can't be a dentist mag, right? This is awesome, I love the fact that they're talking about remodeling while I'm swimming here in this sea of gas between them.
"What's that you're reading?"
"Just a boring dentist magazine."
"I hoped it was about something interesting....like kitchens."
"No, we don't talk about that at the office, well maybe on our lunch breaks."
Darn, they're dentists after all. Pity, I was enjoying picturing them as real people, just like me. But this is nice anyway, what a comfortable chair. I like it here. I'll just close my eyes for a bit, it's so purple and deep anyway.
Dr Dentist, Dr Dentist! The assistant is calling my nice boring dentist. What, why is she calling? Oh, maybe I'm ready for more. Here comes the dentist, she's asking if I feel better now. I'll just nod, it's too much effort to speak.
"You look much more relaxed now."
Ohhhhhhh yeah. Am I numb? I think so, I'll feel my jaw again. Well, maybe a bit tingly, but basically numb. Oh sure, do what you want, give it a try. I don't mind. This field is so pretty and deep, I'll just wait for you here.
Aaahhh, water! Ack!
"Are you okay? Did you feel that?"
"Yes, I just choked a bit. BUT I didn't feel ANYTHING, so that's good."
Did I choke? Oh, I don't remember. Let me try coughing...no, I feel fine. Oh yeah, I should stay still so she can drill. I don't feel a thing, this is great! I know she's doing something in there, but I can't feel it. I'll just close my eyes. I like it here, so soft and comfortable. This is the best chair ever.
Oh look, my index fingers are tense, they're squeezing the stress balls. Huh. And my ankles, they're twitching. That's weird, my feet are upset. They must still care about what's going on inside my mouth, even though I don't. My body still knows....but oh well. I don't care. Hey feet, stop with the wiggling, just relax!
I like it here nestled in the pillows under the purple sunshine. I think I'll stay.