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Thoughts, Six Years - cellophane — LiveJournal
the story of an invisible girl
Thoughts, Six Years
I'm doing okay today. A little sad, but not drowning. Thanks for all the good wishes. I took the day as a Personal Day from work, so I've just spent it quietly and attemptedly peaceful.

I slept in. I lit a candle. I putzed around on the computer for too long, relaxed, spent some time thinking.

I saw a matinee of Star Wars because it is something Stevie loved. He got to see Episode One, but I've had to watch Two and Three for him. I treated myself to a bunch of junk food during the movie. I enjoyed it. He would have too.

I was thinking of getting a pedicure. I've never had one, and I thought it would be a gentle thing to do for myself today. But I didn't get around to it. Been extremely slow-moving and less-than-motivated.

That's okay.

I look at that photo, which I have done a million times today, and I think a cascade of thoughts all at once:
gosh we were young
what a great picture of him, his smile
why didn't I remember to keep my chin down?
gosh we look happy

That picture was taken while we were on a four-day cruise together, in 1998 I think. We went to Cozemel and Key West. My first and last cruise, so far. I really enjoyed it, and I definitely would love to do another someday. But it's something I want to do with somebody, as I don't think it would be fun alone. I will again. Someday.

The cruise was before we were engaged. But he convinced me to tell everybody we met a story: we told everyone we were on our honeymoon. Just for a fun make-believe vacation game. We did, and it was neat pretending to be a just-married couple. It was naughty and adventurous, trying on a different life for a weekend.

I don't think I've ever told anybody that story before.

I think it was around six months later that he proposed to me for real, and I said Yes. Hard to believe, both then and now, that I was really going to get married. Well, thought I was.

(For those reading who may be newer to my life, Stevie was my fiance a long time ago. We had been living together over a year, were planning our wedding, then some things went wrong and on a cheerful sunshiney Tuesday in July he shot himself. In the chin. In our kitchen. He died instantly.)

It's been six years, and I only dated him for around three (though I knew him longer). That's nearly impossible to believe: three years seems so short, six years seems so long. But he is a part of my heart, and sometimes I still get sad. Especially in June/July.

I tend to spend a little bit of time, this time of year, remembering him. He was a good man and doesn't deserve to be forgotten. Not that I ever could forget him....


read 21 comments | talk to me!
mav13 From: mav13 Date: July 7th, 2005 12:41 am (UTC) (Link)
*big hugs*

From: vikkilynn Date: July 7th, 2005 01:15 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm glad you took today as a personal day. You can never be too gentle with yourself when it comes to sad anniversaries and painful memories.

hannunvaakuna From: hannunvaakuna Date: July 7th, 2005 01:26 am (UTC) (Link)
i don't think anyone will ever forget him; i don't know how they could.

he was my favorite mad cow (:

*love and hugs*
renniekins From: renniekins Date: July 7th, 2005 03:51 am (UTC) (Link)
ha! what a crazy costume that was...thanks for the memory!!! (:
ruralrob From: ruralrob Date: July 7th, 2005 01:31 am (UTC) (Link)
Thanks for sharing this - it's a very touching post.
shadowrose From: shadowrose Date: July 7th, 2005 01:33 am (UTC) (Link)
Do you ever feel that holding on to him as you have for six years, makes it hard for you to find someone else?

Not that anyone will replace him in your heart, but to find someone else to love, who will be special in their own way.

juliebata From: juliebata Date: July 7th, 2005 01:34 am (UTC) (Link)
Here's another big *hug*

I missed the first round! I'm always the last to say something...

shadowriderhope From: shadowriderhope Date: July 7th, 2005 02:23 am (UTC) (Link)
*long hugs* I'm glad you're taking the day to remember and be kind to yourself. *more hugs*
From: bloggingchick Date: July 7th, 2005 02:31 am (UTC) (Link)
thatguychuck From: thatguychuck Date: July 7th, 2005 02:56 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm glad I know you, and I'm sorry for your loss. I can only offer to listen and hug, but I can offer lots of it. (And two extra hugs.)
From: kivrin Date: July 7th, 2005 04:08 am (UTC) (Link)
*hugs more*

I'm glad you took the day off and took it easy, not pushing even for fun stuff like a pedicure.

I'm glad you didn't keep your chin down. It would have hurt the picture if you had posed carefully for the ages. The beauty and the sadness of that picture, for me, is that in it you look unguarded in a way you're not in any other pictures I've seen. With your chin up, you look totally carefree and delighted in his arms. It's a beautiful picture of both of you. Thank you for sharing it with us.

*hugs more*
magentablue From: magentablue Date: July 7th, 2005 04:15 am (UTC) (Link)
atdt1991 From: atdt1991 Date: July 7th, 2005 06:06 am (UTC) (Link)
There's obviously nothing to say, except that I'm honored that you shared this with us. I know you wrote it for yourself, but still... thanks.

xtatic1 From: xtatic1 Date: July 7th, 2005 01:24 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm sorry for your loss and glad that you're taking care of yourself.
geekjul From: geekjul Date: July 7th, 2005 01:26 pm (UTC) (Link)
I think taking good care of yourself is a really excellent way to honor his memory.

If you get that pedicure, don't let them use the razor thing, it's dangerous. :)
From: 111466 Date: July 7th, 2005 02:01 pm (UTC) (Link)
He was a lucky man to have been loved by you.

dagibbs From: dagibbs Date: July 7th, 2005 02:30 pm (UTC) (Link)

jeffreyab From: jeffreyab Date: July 7th, 2005 04:43 pm (UTC) (Link)
Kiss on the forehead because you must be getting sore from all those hugs.

How are you feeling today?

Hope to see you on Saturday, if not check your mailbox ASAP!
min8ive From: min8ive Date: July 7th, 2005 06:29 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm truly sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing it with us.

drteeth26 From: drteeth26 Date: July 8th, 2005 06:51 am (UTC) (Link)

We haven't talked in a while, for whatever reasons...I know this is a tough time for you, but when you get the chance, drop me a line. Just want to see how you've been.

I went through the same thing recently. My grandfather died in June 15 years ago. For Father's Day, I transferred an interview he gave to a friend of my dad's about his life in Israel. I still find myself wishing he had lived long enough for me to actually grasp how amazing his life really was.

In other words, I know how you feel. Hope to hear from you soon.
jebra From: jebra Date: July 10th, 2005 04:22 am (UTC) (Link)
Is one more hug overdoing it? One hopes not -- you're due a particularly long one.
read 21 comments | talk to me!