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the story of an invisible girl
I found out last night that my uncle died the night before. He had pancreatic cancer -- in fact he was really lucky (in a sense), because he was diagnosed over five years ago. Generally that is a very bad sort of cancer, and the prognosis is only a month or so. But his was a unique sort, and he was able to keep going for quite awhile, and enjoy a lot more time with his family.

All of that said, it would have been nice if he'd lived longer. Forever would be good.

He was in his fifties, and his two sons, my cousins, are my age. I've reached the age where parents start to become mortal, and that's disturbing.

He lived in Maryland. I didn't grow up nearby, so we weren't very close. I'm closer to his wife (my dad's sister) and my cousins. He was a good man though, and I'm so sad for his family.

The wake is tomorrow, and the funeral saturday. I don't think I'm going -- Maryland is far away, it would be so last-minute, and I had things scheduled for tomorrow... I still feel bad about this decision and wish it was easier for me to be there.

Speaking of "my age", a college friend died a couple of weeks ago. Breast cancer, and she was only thirty-three. Her name was Brooke, and she started at Amherst two years after me (1991). During the two years we were there together, we were very close. We went to New York together once, we sang in an acapella group together, we did Bible studies and stuff, and we probably ate hundreds of meals together.

We lost touch after college, as often college friends do. She got married nearby in 1997, and I went to her wedding (with S, I believe). She moved away with her new husband, and I don't think I've talked to her since. 10 years, and we didn't communicate except for perhaps Christmas cards. But I always thought she'd remain a part of my life. My friends from my past, even the ones I never see -- I still consider them friends. I always knew she'd be at my wedding someday (if I had one). I thought...

I don't know what I thought. But I didn't think her life would end so quickly. She had a little girl, only five years old I think. I'm not sure whether I knew she'd had a child... I know I didn't know she was sick. Her funeral was in Kentucky; I did not attend.

I've been thinking about her a lot recently, but I couldn't find words to write. I still don't really have anything, just some sadness.

Now I'm also thinking about my uncle and his family a lot.

I'm okay. I have no tears for these losses, not right now at least. There is no pounding grief, as neither person was a part of my day-to-day life. But they are parts of my past and my memories, and I have a quiet sorrow that neither will be a part of my future.

(I don't really want hugs please, although folks are welcome to express thoughts.)

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specialagentm From: specialagentm Date: March 22nd, 2007 07:42 pm (UTC) (Link)
Wow. So sorry to hear this bad news. It's always bad to hear these things... as Donne says: "any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind". I understand how strange it is to have a peer pass away too -- someone I went to college (and high school) with died suddenly several years ago, and we all walked around the funeral home more than a bit stunned, even if many of us hadn't seen him in years.

Doubly strange, I had a dream few nights ago involving you telling me someone had died of cancer. I was so struck by it, I intended to call you, but then I shrugged it off. Quite freaky... makes you think, doesn't it?
renniekins From: renniekins Date: March 22nd, 2007 08:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
That IS pretty freaky. She's been on my mind for over a week now.... I wonder if your subconscious read one of my many unwritten posts.

From: kivrin Date: March 22nd, 2007 07:55 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm sorry. Take care. I'm thinking of you.
radiantsoul From: radiantsoul Date: March 22nd, 2007 09:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
Death is a crazy thing.
Never really know what to say.
joline From: joline Date: March 23rd, 2007 01:51 am (UTC) (Link)
Hang in there.

You are loved.
cannibal From: cannibal Date: March 23rd, 2007 07:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
We do need to start making plans for race for the cure. Glad you're dealing with it well.
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