alpaca princess (renniekins) wrote,
alpaca princess

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Maintaining Friendships

Last night I got together with a few of my girlfriends. I do that way too rarely. It was a nice time - I wish I'd been able to spend more time with them, only I was working at the Cranberries concert. (The concert was pretty good, what I heard of it. One of the perks of doing this fundraising is getting to hear good concerts sometimes.) I should have stayed later, but I was really tired!

Anyway. The people I got together with last night, I think they'd all gotten together earlier and had dinner. I hadn't known about these plans, but it's okay because I had to work anyway. But it is kind of discouraging, even so...I mean, I thought I was "part" of that little group of people, but not one of them called to tell me anything about their plans this weekend. I emailed one girl this afternoon, saying I was interested in going out after getting off work, and did she want to do anything? She wrote back and told me what they had planned. But I wonder: if I hadn't initiated the conversation, would anybody have invited me? And if not, then why not?? Have I fallen out of favor with these friends? Or is it just that I so rarely spend time with them anymore, it doesn't occur to them to include me?

Whatever it is, it's disturbing. I don't have a lot of friends, so I should be careful to keep the ones I do have. I guess I'm not very good at maintaining friendships. I think I generally tend to concentrate my energies on just one or two people in my life at a time. The other friendships fall by the wayside. Partially I think it's my fault, because I am not devoting enough of my energies in maintaining them. But I also think it's partially because I am the Invisible Girl. Always have been. I'm not sure why, but I'm just not very memorable. Perhaps I am too quiet. Most people enjoy my company when I'm around, but when I'm not there they don't really notice, they don't wonder why, they rarely try to change it.

Or maybe I just tend to overanalyze everything. It's my nature. But....I worry sometimes that if I don't force my presence on the world, I will end up completely forgotten. There are times, when things get too dark, that I want to run away from everything and hide. But I fear that if I did it, nobody would come find me, and I would be lost forever.
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