We talked about my MRI results, and the ACL graft is okay. I said I was relieved, but he pointed out that this was no surprise. He'd already told me it was okay. I told him that I hadn't quite believed him.
He kind of rolled his eyes at this and looked annoyed. I know M felt the same way when I told him that I wasn't sure my ACL was okay, even though he examined it and said it was. I can understand that.... I mean, these guys are trained professionals, and nobody likes to have their skills questioned. And I'm not questioning anybody's skills, I just worry that my knees do not "present" in the normal fashion.
They don't fully understand that this is the first time I've visited a doctor with knee pain and not had it turn out to be a torn ACL. They also don't get that neither of my two ACL injuries were diagnosed manually, not by any of the doctors or therapists who examined them.
I've tried to explain it, but being told is not the same as experiencing it. This doctor wasn't there; he didn't go through the roller coaster of fear and pain, of knowing something was wrong, only to be told that the knee was structurally sound. He never woke up from arthoscopic surgery to be told be an amused-looking intern, "We had quite a surprise when we got in there, your ACL is gone!"
Then he didn't experience euphoric relief being reassured that nothing was torn when I hurt the second knee. He wasn't made to feel like a complainer or a crybaby, continuing to request treatment for a knee that was allegedly okay. He never got a fax at work telling him the ligament was completely torn, even after his doctor had promised him it wasn't.
Anyway it's true that this time around isn't as bad. I've just grown suspicious, and I don't trust these reassurances without concrete proof. Can you blame me? Now that I've had the MRI, now that I've seen the ACL still attached with my own eyes, I feel much better. Arthritis sucks, but at least I have all my ligaments.
So moving on.... Then I went to Starbucks, then I voted. I was voter #419. I know I could have gotten free coffee if I'd waited until after voting, but I wanted a caramel latte anyway, so it didn't matter. The line at 10:45 was basically negligible, and I was in and out pretty easily.
Job-hunting is going all right, I have a few interviews scheduled and I'm in conversation with some possibilities. Haven't stumbled across the Perfect Job yet, but I'm looking forward to some interviews and finding out more information. It's stressful, this not knowing the future thing! It's funny because nobody knows their own future -- I'm just more aware of it now than I used to be.