alpaca princess (renniekins) wrote,
alpaca princess
renniekins

  • Music:

Arms of the Angel

I have been largely silent for awhile now. I think...I think I have too much to say, rendering me mute. Odd how that can happen sometimes.

I have been thinking so much about my life, recently. I feel in some ways like it is stagnating. I am fast approaching the 3 year anniversary of S's death, and with that I feel a strong sense of impending doom and remembered agony. But I also feel as though...as though I have stood still for those three years.

So many people, when they experience a huge trauma like that, their whole life changes. Their entire existance is thrown into turmoil. They lose jobs, residences, friends; they spend a lot of time foundering about before they recover their feet again. They throw away their old lives, and start new ones, good or bad.

Me? I hung on. I couldn't let go of anything I had, anything familiar, because I had lost too much already. I went back to work within a week of incident. I kept skating. I continued taking care of our cats. I stayed in our home for 6 months, and when I finally moved, I brought a lot of his posessions with me.

I still have that very same job. I still skate. Still have the cats, the stuff. I still drive my same car. None of these things are bad, mind you. I enjoy my work, love my cats....I am not displeased with anything I do. But still, it's the same, all the same. So much sameness.

Oh, my life has changed in some ways. I have this house, that I bought 6 months after he died. I have made lots of new friends, even boys, and have dated and met some wonderful people. I even have a new name that lots of people use. I have this journal. I have lost weight, started taking ballet, running, speedskating, started reading more, and reaquainted myself with playing the piano and singing. Even my duties at my job have changed significantly.

But still, the big ticket items are all the same. I live in the same area. I work for the same company. I have so much furniture and assorted stupid crap. Job, city, house, cats, posessions...at times I feel so trapped and stuck and stale.

I feel like I am putting down roots, when all I ever wanted was wings.
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