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It's a "don't wanna" kind of day - cellophane — LiveJournal
the story of an invisible girl
It's a "don't wanna" kind of day
I'm supposed to be at work right now, but I "don't wanna". I considered calling in sick (mental health day), but instead I talked myself into going in a couple of hours late. I hoped adding a couple of hours to my morning would help perk me up.

I took a leisurely shower, and then trimmed all my toenails and fingernails. I was letting them grow, hoping to get a mani-pedi over yesterday or the day before, but I ran out of time. Then last night in the dark I stubbed my toe - not badly enough that a doctor could do anything to fix it, but badly enough that it's purple and doesn't want to be touched. A pedicure no longer sounds nice.

I should go to the gym, but I don't wanna. I should be working on my thesis so I can finish this darn degree, but I don't wanna. I should do some laundry, but... well you get the picture.

Instead I'm now laying on the couch, looking at my computer. For awhile I was reading facebook, but I found myself getting bored with it. Slowly I allowed my eyes to unfocus, until I couldn't read the words on the screen. As my eyes relaxed, I looked through the screen to my reflection in the screen's glass. I saw my chest moving up and down and I lay unmoving for a few minutes, just watching myself breathe.

It's that kind of day.

This little poem-snippet echoed in my memory, so I googled it:

My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends—
It gives a lovely light!

It's by Edna St. Vincent Millay, according to Wikipedia. I could research more, but I guess I don't wanna... heheh.

Saturday I was looking around my house for something to eat for lunch. I couldn't find anything I particularly wanted, so I poured myself a bowl of cereal. As I poured, a toy came out of the box into my bowl. I was startled, because I hadn't even noticed that the cereal came with a toy.

That got me reminiscing to my childhood, because I remember picking cereal based purely on what kind of toy was inside. I remember digging through the box with my hand, trying to get at the toy before it came out with the natural flow of the cereal consumption. I told M about this, and he said he used to pour all the cereal into a big bowl so he could get at the toy. I suspect I wasn't allowed to do this. Although in truth I suspect I wasn't even allowed to dig through the box like I did. I remember tilting the box at an angle in an effort to make my digging invisible. It never worked through: the cereal would end up bulging the bottom of the box by the time I finally retrieved my toy.

The spongebob toy that came out of my cereal two days ago is still sitting on the counter, unopened. Times have changed! I can't quite throw it away... maybe later I'll at least take a look at it, see what it does.

I've spent eight of the past ten weeks in Boston, for work. It's been fun, but more than a little grueling and hectic. I'd say I'm burned out at this point. I'm home now for three weeks - all in a row! I'm pleased about that, and am hopeful that this will get me into a better frame of mind. Time at home, time with my sweetie. I'm not in a bad frame of mind, just tired and worn out.

We are putting together a lovely vacation for early October. If I can hold out that long, I will have a great rejuvenating break then. First though, I think my extra two hours are up. Time to go to work. I would have taken the day off, but I bought a bunch of school supplies for a charity drive my office is holding. It ends today, so I have to go in to drop off my donations! That's important, and something I actually do "wanna" do, so off I go....
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From: writerwench Date: August 6th, 2012 03:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
Wow, I'm not surprised you're feeling burned out! I get a sneaky case of the 'Don't wanna's' most afternoons - especially at present, by 4pm most days I'm only interested in curling up and getting some SLEEEEEEEP for an hour or so.

It's lovely to see you posting, girl!
autographedcat From: autographedcat Date: August 6th, 2012 05:27 pm (UTC) (Link)
Edna St. Vincent Millay also wrote one of my favourite lines, which I frequently quote:

"Life is not one damn thing after another. Life is one damn thing over and over again."

Hang in there!
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