alpaca princess (renniekins) wrote,
alpaca princess
renniekins

It's a "don't wanna" kind of day

I'm supposed to be at work right now, but I "don't wanna". I considered calling in sick (mental health day), but instead I talked myself into going in a couple of hours late. I hoped adding a couple of hours to my morning would help perk me up.

I took a leisurely shower, and then trimmed all my toenails and fingernails. I was letting them grow, hoping to get a mani-pedi over yesterday or the day before, but I ran out of time. Then last night in the dark I stubbed my toe - not badly enough that a doctor could do anything to fix it, but badly enough that it's purple and doesn't want to be touched. A pedicure no longer sounds nice.

I should go to the gym, but I don't wanna. I should be working on my thesis so I can finish this darn degree, but I don't wanna. I should do some laundry, but... well you get the picture.

Instead I'm now laying on the couch, looking at my computer. For awhile I was reading facebook, but I found myself getting bored with it. Slowly I allowed my eyes to unfocus, until I couldn't read the words on the screen. As my eyes relaxed, I looked through the screen to my reflection in the screen's glass. I saw my chest moving up and down and I lay unmoving for a few minutes, just watching myself breathe.

It's that kind of day.

This little poem-snippet echoed in my memory, so I googled it:

My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends—
It gives a lovely light!


It's by Edna St. Vincent Millay, according to Wikipedia. I could research more, but I guess I don't wanna... heheh.

Saturday I was looking around my house for something to eat for lunch. I couldn't find anything I particularly wanted, so I poured myself a bowl of cereal. As I poured, a toy came out of the box into my bowl. I was startled, because I hadn't even noticed that the cereal came with a toy.

That got me reminiscing to my childhood, because I remember picking cereal based purely on what kind of toy was inside. I remember digging through the box with my hand, trying to get at the toy before it came out with the natural flow of the cereal consumption. I told M about this, and he said he used to pour all the cereal into a big bowl so he could get at the toy. I suspect I wasn't allowed to do this. Although in truth I suspect I wasn't even allowed to dig through the box like I did. I remember tilting the box at an angle in an effort to make my digging invisible. It never worked through: the cereal would end up bulging the bottom of the box by the time I finally retrieved my toy.

The spongebob toy that came out of my cereal two days ago is still sitting on the counter, unopened. Times have changed! I can't quite throw it away... maybe later I'll at least take a look at it, see what it does.

I've spent eight of the past ten weeks in Boston, for work. It's been fun, but more than a little grueling and hectic. I'd say I'm burned out at this point. I'm home now for three weeks - all in a row! I'm pleased about that, and am hopeful that this will get me into a better frame of mind. Time at home, time with my sweetie. I'm not in a bad frame of mind, just tired and worn out.

We are putting together a lovely vacation for early October. If I can hold out that long, I will have a great rejuvenating break then. First though, I think my extra two hours are up. Time to go to work. I would have taken the day off, but I bought a bunch of school supplies for a charity drive my office is holding. It ends today, so I have to go in to drop off my donations! That's important, and something I actually do "wanna" do, so off I go....
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