alpaca princess (renniekins) wrote,
alpaca princess

Hello 2016

2015 - the year my father died, and the year I spent managing people and a platform at work. My third year of unsuccessfully trying to have a child. It was a hard year.

I think it's the first year I've truly felt like a grownup. Me, who never intended to grow up. There is nothing childlike about flying to Belgium to rescue my parents, getting all of us home safely, only to accept that my father would never wake from his coma. There is nothing youthful about agreeing to remove life support, watching my father die, nor taking responsibility for funeral and finances (with my siblings).

How can I possibly feel like a kid? My dad was the grownup. He was the one I turned to for advice on everything. Or - even if I was too stubborn to ask him for advice - he was at least the one I knew would know the answer. I have almost always based decisions on what he would do, because he knows everything. Knew everything. Now, without a dad, I have to be the adult.

Forced into the big cruel world at the tender age of 40-something. I know that's very silly, but it also feels very true. There is nothing more "adult-y" I can think of than being the one in charge of planning a funeral.

But that said, the year was also full of bright spots. I love my husband and my dog. We traveled, saw friends, did several (walking) races, skied, worked, and adventured. I am grateful every day for my tiny little nuclear family, and my large and warm friend-family.

Hello 2016, I hope you are full of good things.

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