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the story of an invisible girl
Thanksgiving day, and I keep wondering "what I'm thankful for." That's what this holiday is allegedly about, stopping to reflect on what you're thankful for.... they've been asking us that since we were children, writing it on the back of construction-paper turkeys.

So what am I thankful for? Friends, I guess. "I owe my life to the people that I love," -Ani DiFranco. "I owe my life to the people who love me," -renniekins. Sometimes I think despairingly that nobody does, that I am all alone in the world, and will die that way. But honestly, I know that is not true. I worry sometimes that I am too quiet, and people will forget all about me if I don't remind them I'm alive. Well maybe I'm sometimes too shy to communicate properly with my friends, and maybe I'm not as popular and outgoing as some people in the world, but I am loved, and I have people who care about me. I am so grateful to have people who care about me, worry about me, love me.

I remember sitting in the police station over two years ago, learning of S's death, and looking at my future caving in before me like a black hole. I looked into that empty pit, looked at the strangers around me, and I thought, who can I call, who can possibly help me through this? And I found nobody. The problem with devoting your life to just one person, especially when you are shy and quiet like me, is that if they leave then you are utterly alone. And even when your family and friends try to rally around you, well it's kind of them, but you don't have a good foundation from which to start accepting their support, because you've only accepted it from that one missing person. It's hard to delve deep into emotional terror with a person with whom up until now you've had nothing but a pleasant acquaintanceship.

I think I have some better friendships now. Not tons, but a few. I have built for myself a support system, albeit a shaky one, but it's there. So that's what I'm thankful for this thanksgiving: my friends, in all their kindness, glory, and wonderfulness.

Current Mood: thankful thankful

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guingel From: guingel Date: November 23rd, 2001 07:10 pm (UTC) (Link)
I haven't commented before now, because, it's hard to think of what to say. That's such a terrible, scary situation to be in, especially all alone. I know I haven't known you for long, but I want to say that I really really like you and respect you and will be there to help you if you ever need it. And I really wanna give you a hug right now.

There are so many things I'm thankful for. . . my family, my friends, the fact that I'm smart and do well in school, that I can draw, that we're not starving on the street, that I've always had people who care about me, that I have a loving environment, that I'm in America and not being bombed in Afghanistan. . . There are so many terrible things happening in the world, and it could so easily be me that they're happening to. I'm thankful that I'm happy. And I'm going to do my best to stay that way.
renniekins From: renniekins Date: November 26th, 2001 08:24 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks Laura...I appreciate both the hug and the kind words. Those are all great things to be thankful for. We really are pretty lucky, aren't we? Sometimes it's hard to remember that, but it's so true. Hopefully we'll stop and remember it more than once a year! *hug*
falls2climb From: falls2climb Date: November 28th, 2001 04:07 pm (UTC) (Link)
"I worry sometimes that I am too quiet, and people will forget all about me if I don't remind them I'm alive."

That's a common fear of my own--I'm quiet and introverted, and even though I'm more outgoing around people who know me well, I still worry that my introversion separates me enough from them to be forgettable. I worry about abandonment. can you tell that I'm a fairly naturally insecure person?!

This was a beautiful entry though; it's great to see someone who can be thankful for so much in spite of the darkness in their life.
renniekins From: renniekins Date: November 29th, 2001 11:13 am (UTC) (Link)


Hi, thanks for responding, I really appreciate it. I'm pretty insecure too. I totally know what you mean. It's weird actually, because part of me thinks that I'm a great person, and doesn't understand why more people don't like me. But at the same time, the rest of me is constantly assuming that nobody does, nobody will, that I'll scare people off, that they'll forget I exist, etc. Terribly conflicted.
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