alpaca princess (renniekins) wrote,
alpaca princess

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Thanksgiving day, and I keep wondering "what I'm thankful for." That's what this holiday is allegedly about, stopping to reflect on what you're thankful for.... they've been asking us that since we were children, writing it on the back of construction-paper turkeys.

So what am I thankful for? Friends, I guess. "I owe my life to the people that I love," -Ani DiFranco. "I owe my life to the people who love me," -renniekins. Sometimes I think despairingly that nobody does, that I am all alone in the world, and will die that way. But honestly, I know that is not true. I worry sometimes that I am too quiet, and people will forget all about me if I don't remind them I'm alive. Well maybe I'm sometimes too shy to communicate properly with my friends, and maybe I'm not as popular and outgoing as some people in the world, but I am loved, and I have people who care about me. I am so grateful to have people who care about me, worry about me, love me.

I remember sitting in the police station over two years ago, learning of S's death, and looking at my future caving in before me like a black hole. I looked into that empty pit, looked at the strangers around me, and I thought, who can I call, who can possibly help me through this? And I found nobody. The problem with devoting your life to just one person, especially when you are shy and quiet like me, is that if they leave then you are utterly alone. And even when your family and friends try to rally around you, well it's kind of them, but you don't have a good foundation from which to start accepting their support, because you've only accepted it from that one missing person. It's hard to delve deep into emotional terror with a person with whom up until now you've had nothing but a pleasant acquaintanceship.

I think I have some better friendships now. Not tons, but a few. I have built for myself a support system, albeit a shaky one, but it's there. So that's what I'm thankful for this thanksgiving: my friends, in all their kindness, glory, and wonderfulness.

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