alpaca princess (renniekins) wrote,
alpaca princess

Nasty Nuts

I don't like nuts. No, I'm not allergic, I just don't care for them. Well, more accurately, I don't like them in things. "No nuts in food," that's my motto, or at least one of them. (I have other mottos too: don't think I'm pathetic enough that my only motto is about something I don't even like.)

On airplanes, I always looked forward to the little bag of honey-roasted peanuts that they used to give you, back in the days when flying meant something and they gave you peanuts to prove it. I eat salted peanuts when I go to the ballpark, tearing open the shells, tossing them to the concrete below me, and then pushing them around with my feet in annoyance the whole game. I even enjoy the occasional small handful of cashews. I like pistachios, even though I have a terrible time spelling that word. I actually just ate several pistachios, standing in my darkened kitchen, cracking open the little shells with my too-soft fingernails and occasionally my teeth, nabbing the strangely green nuts with my tongue, tossing the shells into the garbage, savoring the salty goodness, and thinking about nuts. I am now picking the remains out of my molars. I think that's part of why I don't like nuts -- the texture, and the way they get stuck in your teeth.

But keep them by themselves, don't mix them with other food. Who the hell thought of putting cashews in with chicken? Or crusting a nice piece of fish with pecans? Just a wretched idea. Especially, for god's sake, keep them out of deserts. Walnuts, in cookies or brownies?! Perish the thought! What a waste of a perfectly good baked treat. Sometimes I can avoid the waste though: I have been known to carefully nibble the coating off of a chocolate-covered-macadamia candy, then hand the innard to my long-suffering boyfriend to finish. Almonds in ice cream?? Any nut, in ice cream?! That's awful. A sin, a travesty. Ice cream is one of the more perfect delicacies out there, and should certainly not be tainted with any kind of nut. Peanut butter, that's okay. But not the chunky kind! Keep it away!

...except for baklava. I don't know why, but the nuts are okay in long as it's positively dripping with sweetness. Maybe because there is so much honey and flaky happiness that the nuts are forgivable, or at least it's possible to overlook them. Look, I didn't say I was consistent. I just said I don't like nuts.

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